I don’t mean that in an, “I’ll never have what I want, what’s wrong with me, I should just give up” kind of way, but more in a, “Let’s assess the reality of the situation objectively and make some intelligent choices that will support me” kind of way.
For example, if you’re going to the beach with a four year old and an eleven month old, don’t bring a book.
You will not have time to read a book. You will not have time to take the book out of your bag.
You will have a much better time if you recognize up front that you’re not going to the beach to relax, you’re going to the beach to play with your kids. You’re going to the beach to make sure your kids don’t eat too much sand, crawl into the ocean, or wander off and join someone else’s family.
If you happen to get a minute to sit down, great--but don’t count on it. Because here’s the bottom line: If you set yourself up with unrealistic expectations, you will almost assuredly be disappointed. You will end up somewhere on the spectrum of mildly annoyed to devastated, and, frankly, that’s just not much fun for anybody.
Last year I went to the beach with my dad, my three year old and my book. I ended up frustrated that I wasn’t getting to relax, resentful that someone else wasn’t taking over so I could read, and, most important of all, missing out on the experience of actually being present and playing with my son at the beach.
When you don’t take the time (or are unwilling) to look at a situation objectively and honestly, you base your expectations on fantasy, emotion, or what other people tell you they should be. It’s unhelpful.
Not only do you set yourself up to be unprepared and disappointed, you also lose the opportunity to live in the moment and appreciate what you actually have.
This year I left my book at home. I accepted that there was going to be no reading for me at the beach. That acceptance freed me up to have the experience that was actually available to me the second I was ready to receive it--in this case, a glorious day, my daughter’s first trip to the beach, and James’s take on the day: “Too much sand.”
I’m not saying it’s easy to let go of what you want; that’s why we fight so hard to hold onto our expectations! But if you’re being unrealistic, then you’re probably not going to get what you want AND you’re going to be upset about it.
Instead, be honest about what you want and whether you can have it in exactly that way, right now. If you can’t, then think about what you can have now, and open up to other ways you can find the rest of what you’re looking for.
I invite you to look at one small area of your life where you’re having trouble meeting your own expectations (“I’m going to organize my whole house this weekend,” “I’m going to launch a brand new business and it will be wildly successful immediately”), and give yourself permission to reset your expectations to someplace attainable (“I’m going to spend half an hour clearing out a shelf in the pantry,” “I’m going to outline a plan for my business idea and find a supportive entrepreneur to talk to”).
If you do this, you will be giving yourself one of the greatest possible gifts: the chance to actually succeed.
I wish you the best of luck, and look forward to hearing what you come up with!
P.S. If you actually are looking for some supportive entrepreneurs to talk to, check out Angela Jia Kim’s fantastic community, Savor the Success. It's filled with incredible businesswomen who are generous, vocal and willing to be honest about what it really takes to run your own business. And if you want to find out how to clear out your space, time and mind, email me!
