First, lower your expectations. . .

Step One: Lower your expectations.

I don’t mean that in an, “I’ll never have what I want, what’s wrong with me, I should just give up” kind of way, but more in a, “Let’s assess the reality of the situation objectively and make some intelligent choices that will support me” kind of way.

For example, if you’re going to the beach with a four year old and an eleven month old, don’t bring a book.

You will not have time to read a book. You will not have time to take the book out of your bag.

You will have a much better time if you recognize up front that you’re not going to the beach to relax, you’re going to the beach to play with your kids. You’re going to the beach to make sure your kids don’t eat too much sand, crawl into the ocean, or wander off and join someone else’s family.

If you happen to get a minute to sit down, great--but don’t count on it. Because here’s the bottom line: If you set yourself up with unrealistic expectations, you will almost assuredly be disappointed. You will end up somewhere on the spectrum of mildly annoyed to devastated, and, frankly, that’s just not much fun for anybody.

Last year I went to the beach with my dad, my three year old and my book. I ended up frustrated that I wasn’t getting to relax, resentful that someone else wasn’t taking over so I could read, and, most important of all, missing out on the experience of actually being present and playing with my son at the beach.

When you don’t take the time (or are unwilling) to look at a situation objectively and honestly, you base your expectations on fantasy, emotion, or what other people tell you they should be. It’s unhelpful.

Not only do you set yourself up to be unprepared and disappointed, you also lose the opportunity to live in the moment and appreciate what you actually have.

This year I left my book at home. I accepted that there was going to be no reading for me at the beach. That acceptance freed me up to have the experience that was actually available to me the second I was ready to receive it--in this case, a glorious day, my daughter’s first trip to the beach, and James’s take on the day: “Too much sand.”

I’m not saying it’s easy to let go of what you want; that’s why we fight so hard to hold onto our expectations! But if you’re being unrealistic, then you’re probably not going to get what you want AND you’re going to be upset about it.

Instead, be honest about what you want and whether you can have it in exactly that way, right now. If you can’t, then think about what you can have now, and open up to other ways you can find the rest of what you’re looking for.

I invite you to look at one small area of your life where you’re having trouble meeting your own expectations (“I’m going to organize my whole house this weekend,” “I’m going to launch a brand new business and it will be wildly successful immediately”), and give yourself permission to reset your expectations to someplace attainable (“I’m going to spend half an hour clearing out a shelf in the pantry,” “I’m going to outline a plan for my business idea and find a supportive entrepreneur to talk to”).

If you do this, you will be giving yourself one of the greatest possible gifts: the chance to actually succeed.

I wish you the best of luck, and look forward to hearing what you come up with!

P.S. If you actually are looking for some supportive entrepreneurs to talk to, check out Angela Jia Kim’s fantastic community, Savor the Success. It's filled with incredible businesswomen who are generous, vocal and willing to be honest about what it really takes to run your own business. And if you want to find out how to clear out your space, time and mind, email me!

Lessons Learned from Childern of Hoarders

(Brian Stauffer image)

Last Thursday's Home section of the New York Times featured an article entitled, "Leaving the Cluttered Nest" (5/12/11). It explores the effect of hoarding on the children of hoarders.

I found the insights helpful even for those of us who did not grow up in such extreme environments, but who may have grown up with conflicting relationships with stuff, and who struggle with clutter today. For example:

-Understand that a parent may have been dealing with anxiety disorders through his or her stuff (or food, or money, while we're at it). The "stuff" may have brought the parent comfort s/he couldn't find elsewhere.

-Even if they didn't like the environments they were creating, parents may have felt powerless to fix them. "As the house filled up, though, she shut down. 'I never really could put effort into my environment because I felt overwhelmed by everything.'" (Sound familiar? I know I've felt that way, and so have the vast majority, if not all, of my clients and workshop participants.)

-When you don't grow up with a role model who has a healthy relationship with his or her stuff, you need to develop a healthy relationship on your own. In addition, there are a whole set of basic household and decision-making skills that need to be learned if you were never taught them as a child.

-Research done at Johns Hopkins University suggests that hoarding may run in families, that there may be a genetic component to it. This doesn't mean it's inevitable that you'll follow in a parent's footsteps, but it's good to understand, both so you can be aware of the choices you're making and whether you want to adjust any of your behaviors, and so you know that it's coming from someplace outside of you as well as inside.

Finally, one last point the article makes really struck me. It's what I've been teaching for years now, and I was thrilled to see it being addressed. I'm going to share it here, because I think it's pivotal for anyone struggling with clutter (or is close to someone who is) to understand:

"Most therapists agree that the disorder is complex and difficult to treat. Dr. Frost noted that there has been some success with cognitive behavior therapy that 'includes a combination of things: focusing on controlling the urge to acquire and learning how to break the attachment people have to things.'

"Just trying to de-clutter the home doesn't work, because 'you're dealing with the product of the behavior, not the behavior itself,' he said. 'That's what's so frustrating to family members--they're trying to de-clutter and it ends up being a giant argument.'"

Like with so many other harmful behaviors, if you just try to address the symptoms and ignore the underlying causes, any results you may see will be short-lived. To create lasting change, you must work on both internal and external levels.

You must work to understand and heal your underlying pain while you're clearing out your physical space. You have to discover what you're searching for at your core and figure out how to give it to yourself in a filling, nurturing way, rather than in a fleeting, self-destructive way.

And do it from a place of joy, a place of curiosity and exploration. Do it without judgment, and take it one step at a time. It's a doorway to discovering the part of your life that's been waiting for you to accept and care for yourself with your whole heart.

First Buzz List WINNER

I loved Alissa's entry, and she graciously allowed me to share it with you.

I think one of the things I am most proud of is how open I am with other people. Yes, that could just be considered "that Alissa, she really likes to talk about herself..." but I do think it is important that I am always willing to share my experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly - if it will help others. A specific example comes to mind from earlier this week. As you may know from FB posts, my second son Seth was born via gestational surrogacy. I have always been very open about it and so a colleague from work asked if she could put me in touch with a friend of hers who is just starting to explore surrogacy. Of course, I said yes. We spoke a few weeks ago, and then just Monday went out for lunch so that we could talk in more detail and in person. I am privileged to have gone through such a unique experience and help others who are considering the same. I completely respect the fact that many people prefer to keep such personal matters to themselves, but knowing how I craved information as I was going through this a few years ago, I do think that being open, honest and willing to share with others makes a difference!

Thanks Alissa--hope you enjoy the chocolate!!

Buzz!

I shared this in a recent JOYmail, and got some wonderful responses. Join in the fun, and share your own Buzz List below!

First, know this: (1) EVERYBODY can make a difference, and (2) you already do.

To help you fully embody that knowledge, I invite you to do the following:

1. Visit www.fallingwhistles.com for an incredibly powerful, heartbreaking, inspiring and ultimately hopeful message, and an opportunity to take part in creating change NOW.

2. Take a five-minute time-out and actively think about the difference YOU make simply by being here, by being yourself, by showing up in the world.

3. Write down everything you come up with. Just let it flow out of you--it all counts: making great pancakes, volunteering at a shelter, donating toys, reading to your child, smiling at strangers, taking a stand for your clients, creating anything at all... This is your Buzz List; I want these things buzzing around your head, reminding you of how awesome you already are and how much good you bring to the world.

4. Consider inviting your friends to do this exercise too, and then send each other your favorite discoveries. Saying it to yourself is one thing, but being willing to claim it out loud is a whole other level of owning your greatness.

5. Post your favorite item on your Buzz List in a comment below. Share the difference you make that makes you proudest, and tell me why. Remember what I just said about saying things out loud? Posting online counts too. Plus, the farther you put it out in the world, the greater your ability to inspire others. (You can email me directly at jennifer@aplaceofjoy.com)

I can't wait to hear you toot your own horn, and to celebrate the wonder of humanity by learning about the acts of creativity, kindness, generosity, beauty and love that you share with the world.

Much joy to you!!

One Out of Three Ain't Bad

OK, I used the fact that my internet was down for three days last week as an excuse to not post all of the reasons why I did not let go of three cookbooks.

This week I decided I'd better look a little more closely at why I was resisting giving away the cookbooks. Here it is: They each represent the fantasy future in which I always cook amazing, delicious, healthy meals. And there's more: I'm actually making that future a reality little by little, so every time I pick up a cookbook to toss, I start thinking that I actually MIGHT make these dishes!

So here's what I did. I tossed all my cooking magazines (OK, there were only four, but still, I'd had one of them since 2003), and decided to count that as one book. One down, two to go.

I next decided that I would start cooking one new recipe a week. If I get annoyed by a cookbook because it doesn't actually have anything I want to or can easily cook, it can go. It feels reasonable, and I'm moving forward.

We'll see how it goes, and if I master any mouth-watering dishes I'll let you know...

You Can't Eat Your Cookbooks

I have a lot of cookbooks. And this is after my stalwart friend Natalie "helped" (= made) me get rid of half of them several years ago.

And I don't really cook with them. I peruse them once in a while, imagining that by reading healthy recipes my body will magically become sated and energized. I also sometimes get whipped into a frenzy of determined-cooking action, but when I can't find a recipe that uses readily available ingredients (or that actually sounds good and/or makeable), I put the cookbooks back on the shelf and make eggs.

So why am I SO resistant to letting go of my cookbooks?

The reasons that come to mind include:
-I THINK I will have time/energy/desire to cook elaborate, healthy meals someday and it would be a waste to not have cookbooks when that day comes
-I think I SHOULD be cooking not-so-elaborate, but still healthy, meals now, and having cookbooks SHOULD make that easier
-I wish someone ELSE were cooking me elaborate, healthy meals, and looking at cookbooks is the next best thing
-Many of them were gifts, and of course I feel bad giving them away, plus I imagine that whoever gave them to me uses her cookbooks easily and joyfully to--you guessed it--cook elaborate, healthy meals
-I spent money on them and haven't earned my investment back yet

So I see a lot of "shoulds," assumptions, projections, blame and guilt going on here. If I were to give myself permission to be exactly who I am and be fine with that, what would I allow myself to do? Let's see...

I would say that I'm busy. That I do love the idea of eating good, healthy food, and I do the best I can right now. I have a couple of recipes I like, and there are plenty of cookbooks I open up time and time again and never find anything that strikes my fancy. I could likely explore the few cookbooks I've already used happily and find more recipes, while releasing the others to people who will love them. I usually download new ones from the internet anyway, or ask friends for ones I've actually tasted and liked.

And underneath that: It's perfect to be exactly who I am. I am fine. I will always have everything I need. I can jump into the Universal Law of circulation, pass along some cookbooks that will make someone else happy, open up space for something else in my life, and trust that if I want the exact same cookbooks again in the future they will come to me.

I'm also fine in that I've kept myself and my family fed for several years now and we're doing pretty well. I could not ever read a recipe again and still cook perfectly passable, and even creative, meals for a good long time.

Today someone said something beautiful that really resonated with me: "Choose simplicity." Imagine how much energy I'll save by NOT looking through cookbooks I don't use, by NOT feeling guilty every time I don't use them, and by NOT beating myself up for holding on to them.

Tonight I'm going to choose three cookbooks and put them out in my lobby with a sign for people to help themselves. And it will be a stretch for me, and I will be a little afraid, and I will hopefully prove to myself that I'm absolutely OK without these cookbooks. My world will not fall apart. I probably won't think about them again. And who knows what else the empty space may usher in...or what inspired meals may arise from my belief that it will all be OK with a little ingenuity and some eggs!

Those Pesky Recipes You Tear Out of Magazines

Hello! I know this blog has been about me this whole time, but a client actually emailed me a question & I thought the answer I gave her might be helpful to other people out there in the world, so I decided to post it.

*Keep in mind that we've already been working together, and although it's just been three weeks, she's already made a HUGE shift in managing her time, energy and resources at work with one incredibly simple step. I had her isolate a set time every day to handle a particular aspect of her job that was bleeding into every hour and task and preventing her from really getting anything done. She now handles client work from 11:00 AM - 1:00 PM, and all related emails and phone calls that arrive after 1 PM simply wait until the next day.

This approach had a profound and immediate impact on her time, energy and productivity--as well as the way she felt about herself and what she could accomplish. You can totally try this, and I bet it can work for you too! Anyway, I wanted to share this so you understand how experiencing this success made it so much more possible for her to take the next step towards reclaiming her time and living the life she wants to live. Here's her question & my answer:

"When I am reading I like to rip out the magazine pages of either recipes to consider making or websites that the magazine mentions that I want to look up. How would you suggest I handle these pages?

"And I would love to ideally give myself 20 minutes twice a month to go through the pages and either use the recipes and look up the websites or discard the paper. For now I just have pages and pages of meaningless cutouts with little plan for dealing with/enjoying them. What do you suggest?"


Excellent question! OK:

1) Where are you when you go through the magazines & pull out the pages? If it's always at home in one place, then we'll create a storage system for you there; if it's all over the place--on the subway, at work, at home...--you'll want one end-point storage solution plus temporary spots for the in-between (like a place in your purse or at work until you get it home).

2) A storage solution should be really simple--a folder or file or poly envelope for recipes & one for websites, or even a 2-pocket folder with one side for recipes & one for websites. It's great if it's pretty/funky/colorful & easy to spot. You should keep it in one convenient location--desk, night table, kitchen...--and consistently put things in there. We can talk more about troubleshooting if it doesn't quite work when you first set it up.

3) Love the 20 minutes twice a month. I'm tempted to have that be the thing you try this month by putting it in your calendar at specific times & treating it the way you do your customer service time. If that feels right to you, please email me & let me know WHEN & WHERE you plan to do it (take the folder to Starbucks, do it at home at night or on a weekend...). Be specific. You KNOW you can do this because you've done it at work already!


Hope you find this helpful too! Feel free to let me know if you've got any questions about your own organizing spillover. I'm happy to answer whatever I can!

Wisdom Comes

I've been learning to observe my thoughts and distinguish the voices in my head for about a year now, and I can see it's sinking in. One of the clearest things I've become aware of is the fact that I think I'm right.

I never really understood what people meant by that--I clearly knew that I wasn't always correct, that I sometimes didn't understand things and got things wrong. But I finally understood it a few weeks ago--it's that I actually think that my way is the RIGHT way to do things. And I don't think I'm being obnoxious or condescending when I want people to do it my way; I actually think I'm RIGHT! As if there's a right way to fold shirts, set the table, change a diaper, dress a child, cook eggs, do laundry, live your life.

And my rational mind is screaming as I write these things, because it's completely logical to me that there IS a right way to do all of those things! Your shirt will get less wrinkled if you fold it a particular way; the napkin and fork are supposed to go on the left; a diaper should be not-too-tight and not-too-loose; a child's clothing should be clean and matching and not pajamas at 4 o'clock in the afternoon...you get the picture. This part of my brain fights pretty hard, and I can't reason my way out of it.

The only think I can do is recognize that I feel this way, and remind myself gently that it doesn't matter. There is no perfect. Good enough is good enough. There is so much life to live and I've missed a lot of it getting upset at the things that aren't being done the way they "should."

And now that I see more clearly, I understand the damage I've done. I know the criticism is turned most harshly on myself, but I see its effect mirrored in my husband. I realize now that he consistently expects to be told he's done something wrong. Tonight I asked him if a gift had come with a thank you note attached, and he got SO defensive. I was simply asking, but he felt like I was accusing him of throwing out the note, opening something he shouldn't have, doing something he wasn't supposed to do.

I took a deep breath. I observed what my years of being this way had created, and didn't judge myself for it. I accepted responsibility for my actions. I explained that I'm consciously working on changing these patters, and I asked for his partnership as I shift my way of being. He appreciated it. I felt like a grown-up.

Wisdom comes, one piece at a time. I see new patterns and behaviors that aren't serving me so well and I wish that simply understanding them were enough, but it isn't. It takes awareness and work and patience and consistency to change things that aren't working. And I think you have to still believe you're just fine as you are, even while you're choosing to do things differently. It's kind of a weird combination of acceptance and change. But I'd rather be conscious than not, and I'm SO grateful for every opportunity I have to learn, and to create the reality I want.

What I Figured Out

Hey--so you know I went through that whole habit-shifting project, putting away my clothes each night for 30 days (which really turned into about 45) and writing about it, right? Well, I found out that it actually made a huge difference!

Here's what I think the most important thing that happened is:

I let go of all the negative emotion that was sucking me down every time I looked at that pile of clothes. It was like I'd look at the pile, feel like crap, feel unworthy, feel unable to be organized EVER, feel like it would never get done, and spiral into this tornado of misery and self-pity.

Then I would have no energy to put the clothes away (why bother?) and the pile would get bigger and I'd feel crappier, until finally I'd spend an hour putting everything away, and OF COURSE I would never want to do that job again because it took so freaking long!

But by making a commitment to practice this one new habit each day I kept it small and prevented pileup; by giving myself time to learn a new habit I gave myself permission to be fine just as I was; by letting other people know what I was experiencing (by making it public in the blog) I created a space for accountability and honesty; and by giving room to all those voices in my head I let the arguments out of my brain and encouraged my more nurturing voices to talk, which I think made all the difference in the world.

What I've discovered over the past few weeks is that the anger is gone. The self-blame, the feeling that it's impossible, the disgust with letting it get a certain way is no longer there. It's drained out and I don't need it anymore. I know I can put my clothes away BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY DONE IT. I know that if it piles up I can put it away and THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AS A PERSON. It's just clothing on a chair, not a condemnation of me and all I stand for.

And that's what I figured out. Pretty good for a little organizing experiment, right?

Day...uh, yeah, about that...

Hello! I missed this blog. It's so nice to be back!

I did get a little off-track with the daily program (approximately 68 days ago), but I've learned a lot in the meantime and can't wait to share it with you!

Quick habits update: So it seems that this daily habit tracking really works! My first habit was to put my clothes away each night. I've wavered a bit and gotten more lax about it, but it actually became a fairly ingrained habit. And, more than that, it no longer carries with it the dread, anger and overwhelm that it used to.

Now it's just clothing on a chair, not my shame and not-good-enoughness taunting me about my inability to do anything right, take care of myself or be a grown-up. That is definitely an improvement worth a 45-day investment.

I do not want to ever be preachy about this, so I'm just going to offer up the thought that this exercise might be worth a try if you've got some clutter or overwhelm that's not serving you so well right now. Here's the practice, based on what I did:

1. Choose ONE area of clutter or overwhelm in your space (clothes piled up, pens scattered around your desk, keys never where you want them to be) (and I DON'T recommend starting with paper--that's a whole other story--unless you just want to start with keeping your mail in one place until you're ready to deal with it)

2. Choose ONE habit that leads to the pileup (not putting clothes away at the end of the day, not having a pen cup or not using it when you're done with a pen, not having a single, convenient place for you mail or keys and not regularly using it)

3. Become aware of the habit or behavior you have in place WITHOUT JUDGING YOURSELF FOR IT. This is KEY!!! You are not a bad person, you are not irresponsible, lazy or hopeless. Say this out loud: "It is what it is." You may want to give yourself permission not to judge yourself just for these few minutes; for those of us who are used to berating ourselves all the time, whether or not we're aware of it, it can be extremely difficult to have awareness without judgment. But you can do it, even if just for a few moments.

4. Choose a NEW, small, specific habit that will alter the results you've been getting in that one area of clutter (decide to put your clothes away at the end of the day; buy a pen cup and choose to put your pens back every time you're done with them; put a hook or bowl near the door for your keys and use it every time you walk in the door; put a basket near the door for your mail and drop the mail in as soon as you bring it in)

5. Make the commitment to practice your new habit EVERY DAY, for 45 days. Make the commitment outside of your head: Write it down, tell it to somebody supportive, post it HERE in a comment--I'll hold the energy for you.

6. Keep yourself accountable. Print out a calendar and check each day off as you complete your habit. Email a (non-judgmental) friend every day to let her know how you're doing. Post it here--I'll be happy for the company!

7. Give yourself an outlet to feel what you feel and to support yourself through this process. That's what this blog became for me. Each day I wrote down what I was doing and it kept me honest--and it also gave me space to say out loud all those thoughts that were shouting in my head. And then it gave me space to let the other voices talk. Do you remember the Nurturing Parent and the Adult Voice? Those are going to be really important for you throughout this process, so find some way to let them speak. You can talk out loud, you can write in a journal, you can share with a friend/therapist/coach.

This is the place where your core is really going to shift, and it will reverberate throughout the rest of your life. I understand so much better now that this is a process. It takes time. And at the same time, you start getting results FAST and visibly, because you're clearing your clutter. It's pretty cool, actually.

OK, so those are my tips--let me know how you're doing, won't you? And I'm tackling my paper during these 45 days. So far, so good...I'll keep you up to date!

Day 51

Oh man! I just fell apart today. We came back from Chicago yesterday and I was so excited to have left myself a recovery day--time to unpack, do laundry, get our lives up and running again--but everything took much longer than I thought it would. It was late and I still had a load of laundry in the dryer and my desk was still a wreck by the time I went to sleep--but I DID put all of the clothes I wore yesterday away!

I felt like I hadn't been able to complete anything else, but this was one thing I could maintain and complete. It actually felt great to get back into that routine. I was proud of myself for falling into it so easily, and by choice.

Today I had to face the consequences of my mess. I left the house late, forgot my client file, couldn't find my Metrocard, and had to run out to get money for the housekeeper I'd forgotten was coming. I was so angry about the mess and the anxiety and the fact that I'd been working on making this shift for a while now and clearly nothing was any different and how could I let it get this bad--and then I just spiraled right down into total self hatred and tears.

I couldn't believe how hard this slammed me up against the wall. I thought I'd gotten past those intensely nasty feelings since I'd been changing my habits and working on all the emotional pieces, but I guess this is a longer and deeper process than I thought.

Amazingly, my husband talked me through it. He told me that everyone loses things. I kind of didn't believe him, but he kept talking and even started to convince me that I should be glad that I only couldn't find my Metrocard and not some hugely important, irreplaceable financial document. I felt better. I started breathing.

The fact that I moved past it instead of completely derailing is encouraging, and having someone supportive around was invaluable. It also reminded me how painful this is for people. It's easy for me to get carried away in the theory and the exercises when things are going well. It's when things crash and burn and I feel that despair that I remember why it's so important to me to find a way out. And if I can find a way out, I can show others the way out too.

So I'm going to spend more time on this, and keep doing the best I can, and keep taking it one step at a time. I told myself that today happened for a reason, and I actually came up with a bunch of reasons, and remembering why I want to do this was a big one. Being grateful for my husband was another.

Day 46

Hello from Chicago! In fact, hello from Natalie's house (you remember Natalie, my number one blog fan?). That's right--you too can receive a visit from me if you consistently read this blog and share your insights with me online!

Just kidding. We're old friends and I'm visiting for the holiday. But anyway, she totally agreed with me about relaxing and letting go and finding my own rhythm. In fact, she pointed out that she and I both respond badly when people tell us what to do and exactly how to do it, and that that may be why I was bridling against the very specific and strict standards I set up for myself. It also may be why, when left to my own devices, I was able to simply do what had to get done.

Incidentally, I find that I'm getting more accurate at gauging what's important to me, how long it will take, where it lies on my list of priorities, and at making faster decisions about what I am and am not going to do. I LOVE that!

I'm not exactly sure how that relates to what I'm doing with my habits, but I have a feeling that it does. I also just started reading this amazing book, Happy for No Reason, by Marci Shimoff (I think that's the right spelling), and the author shares all of these discoveries around happiness that parallel what I've been finding out about organizing! Mainly, that you can change your "happiness set point" by practicing happiness habits, just like I think I can become a more naturally organized person by practicing organizing habits.

There's much more to it, and even though I haven't finished the book yet I think everyone should go read it. It's revolutionary.

Since I'm traveling, I'm implementing my traveling version of organized habits, like putting things away as quickly as possible (this needs a little work) and keeping my stuff in one organized area. It helps that Natalie has an entire finished basement that I consider "one organized area."

The fact that Natalie can actually comment firsthand now on how I'm doing should really be inspiring me to be at the top of my game, and yet...I think I'm just going to keep doing the best that I can. So far, it's pretty good.

Day 44

I'm laughing because I just looked back at the post from two days ago, which I started by reaffirming my commitment to posting every day, even if it was just a tiny post, because I know how important it is to show up. (If you haven't noticed, that post appeared directly before the one you're reading right now; I didn't manage to post anything yesterday.)

Something interesting happened. Yesterday was a long day, it was Yom Kippur, and we came home late from a break-fast, trying to calm our crying baby. I was in no mood to blog, and I hadn't put my clothes away in two days. So I decided to keep letting myself slide.

I decided to let myself not blog, and not put away my clothes, and just accept that that's how it was going to be for now. I didn't know what that meant for my new-habit process, I didn't know how long it would last, but I just said, OK. And the weirdest thing happened: I immediately starting hanging up my clothes.

I can't explain it. It's like there was no pressure, there were no expectations, no demands. I just did it automatically. It made sense, it wasn't that hard, and there were no emotions (other than surprise) attached to it.

I put away all the clothes I wore yesterday, plus clothing from the previous two days, plus some clean laundry. I don't know if letting myself just "be" was exactly what I needed to do; I don't know what this says about commitment or habits or the importance of pushing myself. I imagine that real-life success is a combination of all of these things, plus the recognition that everything change from day to day.

So I'll keep remembering to be flexible, to trust myself, and know that I really can take care of it whenever I'm ready to.

Day 42

I decided it's more important to keep the commitment of showing up to write than to write something long (or well-thought-out).

So here it is--I let 2 days slide now with putting away my daily clothes, BUT I did 5 loads of laundry & folded everything. It's not all away yet, but other things are taking priority and I'm doing the best I can. I learn something every day, and try to remember that this is a process that will last my whole life.

Wishing everyone a year of peace, both inner and outer, and joy.

Day 41

This was interesting. Today I was talking to someone about my new habits and this blog and she asked me if I was disorganized. I thought for a moment and replied, "I'm not really disorganized, I'm messy."

Huh. I don't think I've ever looked at it that way before. And now I'm trying to figure out what the difference is, and, if there is one, whether it applies to me.

Part of me thinks that they're the same thing, it's just that being "disorganized" is more sophisticated and OK for adults to be, especially professionals and corporate-types, whereas "messy" is looked down upon, kind of disgusting and childish, and is only OK for toddlers and frat boys.

A lot of my life is organized. A lot of my home is organized. We have spots for much of our stuff, we have certain routines in place. But I do have a lot of pileup that seems to come from nowhere--every time I think I've plowed through everything and put it away, there's more.

It's kind of mess + disorganization. If I were even more organized and had easily accessible, logical places for everything and adequate time set aside to actually address things/toss things/put things away, I wouldn't have the mess.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm on day 41 and it's hard to see that I've made any progress. Each day I've been putting clothes away, but last night I didn't. I rationalized a perfectly good reason (late, dark, don't want to wake the baby), and that wouldn't even be so bad if I had put everything away this morning, but I didn't. More perfectly good excuses--exhausted, getting sick, needed sleep, then needed to rush out of the house, then had guests, then cleaned up from lunch...but looking around at how quickly this space become a disaster is SO disheartening.

What's the point of putting all this work in if in ONE DAY it can all be undone?

I know my Adult Voice can come in and explain that it's just logical, it has to be done every day, it's not a one shot deal, and it's nothing to get upset about, it's just a part of life. But I don't WANT to hear the adult voice. I just want to be pissed off.

I should check my posts from about a month ago--I think I'm seriously PMSing too.

I also think there's no way around the fact that I need some more major chunks of time dedicated to bigger overhauls. I'll go back to reading Cindy Glovinsky's book, Making Peace with the Things in Your Life, and maybe carve out dedicated time for this project over the next few months so I can take the bigger steps I want to take.

I fantasize about working with clients who are ready and willing to take that step--to really jump in with time and energy on a consistent basis and get the job done. And then we'd set up systems so they can easily maintain their amazing new spaces. I have a feeling that I'd like to finally acknowledge how important it is for me to give myself this same kind of time and attention, and really commit to the process.

My experience has shown me that it's much harder for me to be objective about my own stuff, so I might need to enlist some support, but I think step one is to put the time into my schedule so I can make space for this to happen.

I know that the more time I give it, the faster it will get done. I would LOVE to have this done. I also know that things happen as you're ready, and maybe I'm feeling good and grateful enough about my present life that it will be easier to make peace with my past and give myself permission to be here now, surrounded by things I love now, and trust that I will always have whatever I need when I need it.

I just reread this post and realized I should really give myself props for preparing in advance for our guests, getting home early enough to set up, doing all the dishes and putting everything away this afternoon instead of leaving it out for days in the hope that someone else would do it. This is pretty major for me, and I'm thrilled to recognize it. Maybe I have made some progress after all.

Day 40

I feel like there's something symbolic about the number 40--days of the flood, days Moses was up on the mountain, and now: days I have stood in my commitment to creating habits that serve me better. No time really to draw any interesting conclusions; just thought I'd point it out.

Will share more soon, need to run, everything's on track, PLUS I spent a huge chunk of time cleaning out my makeup drawer (yes, it is a drawer) and I feel GREAT.

Be well!

Day 39

Quick and dirty: Last night I put away all the clothes I could see, but this morning I found a cardigan buried in a work bag, and a pair of shoes hiding under my desk. I'm thinking of instituting a last-call roundup of all the vagabond clothing that needs to be led home at the end of the night. Though I'm going to have to start my whole routine earlier if tonight is any indication of my late-night trending.

In my quest for a well-balanced life, I let myself relax for THREE HOURS in front of the television. I felt compelled to watch Flash Forward (which was fairly ham-fisted and often laughable, but still somehow hard to resist) and Grey's Anatomy, which I never got into before but I since I saw the season finale I HAD to watch tonight.

Then my husband was so excited about a crossword puzzle he just created (yes, made up, all by himself) he asked me to fill it in, which I did, for 48 minutes. I was really proud of him, and of me for getting it, because those close were NOT easy. (It did help to have him next to me telling me if I got the answer right.)

Anyway, balance, choices, still working on it. I also need a chunk of time to focus on my desk because the "neatening" alone isn't going to hold out much longer. But I'm doing it every night, and every little bit does make a difference.

Day 38

I'm getting messages from every direction to stretch out my vision, expand my thinking to a longer term.

It's what I've been seeing with this work around shifting habits, with changing the way I eat/cleanse, and with developing my business. And today I heard it from my new (and first) financial adviser. After sending her my initial financial information and goals, her first piece of feedback was that we want to expand the way I'm looking at things.

She says my husband and I have been doing a good job taking care of the present, and now it's time to look down the line and start establishing goals and systems to get us there. Of course I had to squash my initial impulse to worry that we wouldn't be able to do it, and I actually didn't manage to squash my impulse to correct her and tell her that I was sure we weren't doing as good a job with the present as she thinks either. Why would I do that?!

Adult Voice/Nurturing Parent: "You're used to seeing the negative. You're used to expecting the worst. You're used to measuring yourself against "perfect" and always coming up short.

"You now have lots of people in your life and lots of systems in place to help you stop, take a breath, evaluate the situation more objectively, and not beat up on yourself. You had a major epiphany today when your financial planner said you were doing fine and have priorities in your life other than becoming a multi-millionaire. It's as if it never occurred to you that it would be OK to have 'enough' and enjoy your life as is. That's a big deal, and it's something to think about, to look at, to let sink in. Imagine not feeling bad, or not feeling like you're not enough--you'd have so much energy for other things! The possibilities are amazing!!"

OK. I'm reminding myself every day that I've given myself this year as a gift, and that part of that gift is to relax and be gentle with myself. I'm still (consciously) putting my clothes away each night, and tidying my desk. This is good for now.

Day 37

I wasn't kidding around (I now know) when I said it just takes time. I spent TWO HOURS putting away laundry and unpacking from the weekend--and I'm not even done yet!

Hello--how do other people do this?! Do I just wash more clothes than the average human being? Is it easier when you have a washing machine in your home, so you do more loads more frequently, and therefore have less to put away at once? I don't get it.

Maybe I should adopt a uniform. I don't know how that would help with the laundry, I guess it wouldn't, but maybe I'd feel like I had less clothing. I'd have fewer options, and maybe even just have seven outfits, one for every day of the week, and wash them all once a week. That's so not going to happen. I'm the kind of person who buys underwear when I don't have time to do laundry. I start wearing things from the "only wear around the house" pile, in public. I convince myself that my Land's End grandma/elastic waistband/airplane-only pants are legitimate professional-wear.

I will tell you this though--I LOVED having time carved out in my calendar specifically for cleaning. It was like I had a job, and that's all I was supposed to focus on during that time, and I had permission to just clean. I didn't check emails or do work or really think about much else. I took one quick break to reserve a spot in a baby music class, but that was the most efficient phone call I made all day, and then I jumped right back into cleaning!

So...there's something to this. And, I imagine, the secret is to do this consistently on a much smaller scale for all of the other things that need to get done regularly. Include time in your schedule to put away clothes, tidy up the desk, make the bed. I think I resist planning like that because I don't want to see that I really don't have time to do everything on my list. But, shockingly, it turns out that even if I don't write it down or plan it out I still don't have time to get it all done, and then I get stressed out, frustrated and disappointed when I have things left undone at the end of the day.

Won't it be nice when I winnow down my activities to things I truly love doing, that truly serve me and create a peaceful, beautiful, joyous home (and life!) for me and my family?

My desk and daily clothes are still humming along, being attended to daily. And I think setting aside bigger chunks of time much more frequently are going to be key to making the bigger changes I'm looking for. I also want to be sure I balance them each day with time with the baby, my husband, myself, and anyone or anything else that is important to me. Life is happening now, not when my house is "finally organized"--as if there is even such an endpoint. Live it every day.

Day 36

Really, it's about TIME. It's hitting me over and over again. Choices and time. And I'm hoping that if I'm willing to put in the time to do things "right" in the beginning, eventually things will get more efficient and run more smoothly and maybe take less time (or maybe stop needing to get done at all).

And if they still take the same amount of time, and if they're still absolutely essential to my functioning as a happy, healthy adult, then I hope I can joyfully make peace with them and create time in my life every day to get them done.

I'm starting tomorrow. (That's not a joke, by the way.) Today Coach Paula had me schedule in an hour once a week for the next four weeks just to clean. I was freaking out a little with the sudden overwhelm, between the six loads of laundry I did right before we left for the weekend that are still waiting to be folded, and my desk that looks like a tornado hit it even though I promise I neatened it up last night, and everything that suddenly needs to get done--I felt like I couldn't think straight in this atmosphere.

I was talking to Paula about being frazzled in all different parts of my life, and when she asked me what I would like to do for my self right now, I didn't hesistate: "Clean up!" And that's where the sacred time came in, that we set aside just for cleaning. I laughed at myself too--I will tell you that in a million years I never thought that cleaning would be something I got excited about.

So I'll let you know how that goes, and in the meantime my daily habits are still up and running. And i'm supposed to be validating myself every day too (which I haven't been, and when Paula asked me if I had I actually lied and said yes!!! And then I immediately retracted and said no, and we both laughed because you could totally tell from my tone of voice that I was lying.). So here's my validation:

Jen, you're so awesome. You set out to keep this blog, and you're keeping it! That's a real commitment, and I'm so proud of you.