Wisdom Comes

I've been learning to observe my thoughts and distinguish the voices in my head for about a year now, and I can see it's sinking in. One of the clearest things I've become aware of is the fact that I think I'm right.

I never really understood what people meant by that--I clearly knew that I wasn't always correct, that I sometimes didn't understand things and got things wrong. But I finally understood it a few weeks ago--it's that I actually think that my way is the RIGHT way to do things. And I don't think I'm being obnoxious or condescending when I want people to do it my way; I actually think I'm RIGHT! As if there's a right way to fold shirts, set the table, change a diaper, dress a child, cook eggs, do laundry, live your life.

And my rational mind is screaming as I write these things, because it's completely logical to me that there IS a right way to do all of those things! Your shirt will get less wrinkled if you fold it a particular way; the napkin and fork are supposed to go on the left; a diaper should be not-too-tight and not-too-loose; a child's clothing should be clean and matching and not pajamas at 4 o'clock in the afternoon...you get the picture. This part of my brain fights pretty hard, and I can't reason my way out of it.

The only think I can do is recognize that I feel this way, and remind myself gently that it doesn't matter. There is no perfect. Good enough is good enough. There is so much life to live and I've missed a lot of it getting upset at the things that aren't being done the way they "should."

And now that I see more clearly, I understand the damage I've done. I know the criticism is turned most harshly on myself, but I see its effect mirrored in my husband. I realize now that he consistently expects to be told he's done something wrong. Tonight I asked him if a gift had come with a thank you note attached, and he got SO defensive. I was simply asking, but he felt like I was accusing him of throwing out the note, opening something he shouldn't have, doing something he wasn't supposed to do.

I took a deep breath. I observed what my years of being this way had created, and didn't judge myself for it. I accepted responsibility for my actions. I explained that I'm consciously working on changing these patters, and I asked for his partnership as I shift my way of being. He appreciated it. I felt like a grown-up.

Wisdom comes, one piece at a time. I see new patterns and behaviors that aren't serving me so well and I wish that simply understanding them were enough, but it isn't. It takes awareness and work and patience and consistency to change things that aren't working. And I think you have to still believe you're just fine as you are, even while you're choosing to do things differently. It's kind of a weird combination of acceptance and change. But I'd rather be conscious than not, and I'm SO grateful for every opportunity I have to learn, and to create the reality I want.