Oh man! I just fell apart today. We came back from Chicago yesterday and I was so excited to have left myself a recovery day--time to unpack, do laundry, get our lives up and running again--but everything took much longer than I thought it would. It was late and I still had a load of laundry in the dryer and my desk was still a wreck by the time I went to sleep--but I DID put all of the clothes I wore yesterday away!
I felt like I hadn't been able to complete anything else, but this was one thing I could maintain and complete. It actually felt great to get back into that routine. I was proud of myself for falling into it so easily, and by choice.
Today I had to face the consequences of my mess. I left the house late, forgot my client file, couldn't find my Metrocard, and had to run out to get money for the housekeeper I'd forgotten was coming. I was so angry about the mess and the anxiety and the fact that I'd been working on making this shift for a while now and clearly nothing was any different and how could I let it get this bad--and then I just spiraled right down into total self hatred and tears.
I couldn't believe how hard this slammed me up against the wall. I thought I'd gotten past those intensely nasty feelings since I'd been changing my habits and working on all the emotional pieces, but I guess this is a longer and deeper process than I thought.
Amazingly, my husband talked me through it. He told me that everyone loses things. I kind of didn't believe him, but he kept talking and even started to convince me that I should be glad that I only couldn't find my Metrocard and not some hugely important, irreplaceable financial document. I felt better. I started breathing.
The fact that I moved past it instead of completely derailing is encouraging, and having someone supportive around was invaluable. It also reminded me how painful this is for people. It's easy for me to get carried away in the theory and the exercises when things are going well. It's when things crash and burn and I feel that despair that I remember why it's so important to me to find a way out. And if I can find a way out, I can show others the way out too.
So I'm going to spend more time on this, and keep doing the best I can, and keep taking it one step at a time. I told myself that today happened for a reason, and I actually came up with a bunch of reasons, and remembering why I want to do this was a big one. Being grateful for my husband was another.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Day 46
Hello from Chicago! In fact, hello from Natalie's house (you remember Natalie, my number one blog fan?). That's right--you too can receive a visit from me if you consistently read this blog and share your insights with me online!
Just kidding. We're old friends and I'm visiting for the holiday. But anyway, she totally agreed with me about relaxing and letting go and finding my own rhythm. In fact, she pointed out that she and I both respond badly when people tell us what to do and exactly how to do it, and that that may be why I was bridling against the very specific and strict standards I set up for myself. It also may be why, when left to my own devices, I was able to simply do what had to get done.
Incidentally, I find that I'm getting more accurate at gauging what's important to me, how long it will take, where it lies on my list of priorities, and at making faster decisions about what I am and am not going to do. I LOVE that!
I'm not exactly sure how that relates to what I'm doing with my habits, but I have a feeling that it does. I also just started reading this amazing book, Happy for No Reason, by Marci Shimoff (I think that's the right spelling), and the author shares all of these discoveries around happiness that parallel what I've been finding out about organizing! Mainly, that you can change your "happiness set point" by practicing happiness habits, just like I think I can become a more naturally organized person by practicing organizing habits.
There's much more to it, and even though I haven't finished the book yet I think everyone should go read it. It's revolutionary.
Since I'm traveling, I'm implementing my traveling version of organized habits, like putting things away as quickly as possible (this needs a little work) and keeping my stuff in one organized area. It helps that Natalie has an entire finished basement that I consider "one organized area."
The fact that Natalie can actually comment firsthand now on how I'm doing should really be inspiring me to be at the top of my game, and yet...I think I'm just going to keep doing the best that I can. So far, it's pretty good.
Just kidding. We're old friends and I'm visiting for the holiday. But anyway, she totally agreed with me about relaxing and letting go and finding my own rhythm. In fact, she pointed out that she and I both respond badly when people tell us what to do and exactly how to do it, and that that may be why I was bridling against the very specific and strict standards I set up for myself. It also may be why, when left to my own devices, I was able to simply do what had to get done.
Incidentally, I find that I'm getting more accurate at gauging what's important to me, how long it will take, where it lies on my list of priorities, and at making faster decisions about what I am and am not going to do. I LOVE that!
I'm not exactly sure how that relates to what I'm doing with my habits, but I have a feeling that it does. I also just started reading this amazing book, Happy for No Reason, by Marci Shimoff (I think that's the right spelling), and the author shares all of these discoveries around happiness that parallel what I've been finding out about organizing! Mainly, that you can change your "happiness set point" by practicing happiness habits, just like I think I can become a more naturally organized person by practicing organizing habits.
There's much more to it, and even though I haven't finished the book yet I think everyone should go read it. It's revolutionary.
Since I'm traveling, I'm implementing my traveling version of organized habits, like putting things away as quickly as possible (this needs a little work) and keeping my stuff in one organized area. It helps that Natalie has an entire finished basement that I consider "one organized area."
The fact that Natalie can actually comment firsthand now on how I'm doing should really be inspiring me to be at the top of my game, and yet...I think I'm just going to keep doing the best that I can. So far, it's pretty good.
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