Day 51

Oh man! I just fell apart today. We came back from Chicago yesterday and I was so excited to have left myself a recovery day--time to unpack, do laundry, get our lives up and running again--but everything took much longer than I thought it would. It was late and I still had a load of laundry in the dryer and my desk was still a wreck by the time I went to sleep--but I DID put all of the clothes I wore yesterday away!

I felt like I hadn't been able to complete anything else, but this was one thing I could maintain and complete. It actually felt great to get back into that routine. I was proud of myself for falling into it so easily, and by choice.

Today I had to face the consequences of my mess. I left the house late, forgot my client file, couldn't find my Metrocard, and had to run out to get money for the housekeeper I'd forgotten was coming. I was so angry about the mess and the anxiety and the fact that I'd been working on making this shift for a while now and clearly nothing was any different and how could I let it get this bad--and then I just spiraled right down into total self hatred and tears.

I couldn't believe how hard this slammed me up against the wall. I thought I'd gotten past those intensely nasty feelings since I'd been changing my habits and working on all the emotional pieces, but I guess this is a longer and deeper process than I thought.

Amazingly, my husband talked me through it. He told me that everyone loses things. I kind of didn't believe him, but he kept talking and even started to convince me that I should be glad that I only couldn't find my Metrocard and not some hugely important, irreplaceable financial document. I felt better. I started breathing.

The fact that I moved past it instead of completely derailing is encouraging, and having someone supportive around was invaluable. It also reminded me how painful this is for people. It's easy for me to get carried away in the theory and the exercises when things are going well. It's when things crash and burn and I feel that despair that I remember why it's so important to me to find a way out. And if I can find a way out, I can show others the way out too.

So I'm going to spend more time on this, and keep doing the best I can, and keep taking it one step at a time. I told myself that today happened for a reason, and I actually came up with a bunch of reasons, and remembering why I want to do this was a big one. Being grateful for my husband was another.