Lessons Learned from Childern of Hoarders

(Brian Stauffer image)

Last Thursday's Home section of the New York Times featured an article entitled, "Leaving the Cluttered Nest" (5/12/11). It explores the effect of hoarding on the children of hoarders.

I found the insights helpful even for those of us who did not grow up in such extreme environments, but who may have grown up with conflicting relationships with stuff, and who struggle with clutter today. For example:

-Understand that a parent may have been dealing with anxiety disorders through his or her stuff (or food, or money, while we're at it). The "stuff" may have brought the parent comfort s/he couldn't find elsewhere.

-Even if they didn't like the environments they were creating, parents may have felt powerless to fix them. "As the house filled up, though, she shut down. 'I never really could put effort into my environment because I felt overwhelmed by everything.'" (Sound familiar? I know I've felt that way, and so have the vast majority, if not all, of my clients and workshop participants.)

-When you don't grow up with a role model who has a healthy relationship with his or her stuff, you need to develop a healthy relationship on your own. In addition, there are a whole set of basic household and decision-making skills that need to be learned if you were never taught them as a child.

-Research done at Johns Hopkins University suggests that hoarding may run in families, that there may be a genetic component to it. This doesn't mean it's inevitable that you'll follow in a parent's footsteps, but it's good to understand, both so you can be aware of the choices you're making and whether you want to adjust any of your behaviors, and so you know that it's coming from someplace outside of you as well as inside.

Finally, one last point the article makes really struck me. It's what I've been teaching for years now, and I was thrilled to see it being addressed. I'm going to share it here, because I think it's pivotal for anyone struggling with clutter (or is close to someone who is) to understand:

"Most therapists agree that the disorder is complex and difficult to treat. Dr. Frost noted that there has been some success with cognitive behavior therapy that 'includes a combination of things: focusing on controlling the urge to acquire and learning how to break the attachment people have to things.'

"Just trying to de-clutter the home doesn't work, because 'you're dealing with the product of the behavior, not the behavior itself,' he said. 'That's what's so frustrating to family members--they're trying to de-clutter and it ends up being a giant argument.'"

Like with so many other harmful behaviors, if you just try to address the symptoms and ignore the underlying causes, any results you may see will be short-lived. To create lasting change, you must work on both internal and external levels.

You must work to understand and heal your underlying pain while you're clearing out your physical space. You have to discover what you're searching for at your core and figure out how to give it to yourself in a filling, nurturing way, rather than in a fleeting, self-destructive way.

And do it from a place of joy, a place of curiosity and exploration. Do it without judgment, and take it one step at a time. It's a doorway to discovering the part of your life that's been waiting for you to accept and care for yourself with your whole heart.