First, lower your expectations. . .

Step One: Lower your expectations.

I don’t mean that in an, “I’ll never have what I want, what’s wrong with me, I should just give up” kind of way, but more in a, “Let’s assess the reality of the situation objectively and make some intelligent choices that will support me” kind of way.

For example, if you’re going to the beach with a four year old and an eleven month old, don’t bring a book.

You will not have time to read a book. You will not have time to take the book out of your bag.

You will have a much better time if you recognize up front that you’re not going to the beach to relax, you’re going to the beach to play with your kids. You’re going to the beach to make sure your kids don’t eat too much sand, crawl into the ocean, or wander off and join someone else’s family.

If you happen to get a minute to sit down, great--but don’t count on it. Because here’s the bottom line: If you set yourself up with unrealistic expectations, you will almost assuredly be disappointed. You will end up somewhere on the spectrum of mildly annoyed to devastated, and, frankly, that’s just not much fun for anybody.

Last year I went to the beach with my dad, my three year old and my book. I ended up frustrated that I wasn’t getting to relax, resentful that someone else wasn’t taking over so I could read, and, most important of all, missing out on the experience of actually being present and playing with my son at the beach.

When you don’t take the time (or are unwilling) to look at a situation objectively and honestly, you base your expectations on fantasy, emotion, or what other people tell you they should be. It’s unhelpful.

Not only do you set yourself up to be unprepared and disappointed, you also lose the opportunity to live in the moment and appreciate what you actually have.

This year I left my book at home. I accepted that there was going to be no reading for me at the beach. That acceptance freed me up to have the experience that was actually available to me the second I was ready to receive it--in this case, a glorious day, my daughter’s first trip to the beach, and James’s take on the day: “Too much sand.”

I’m not saying it’s easy to let go of what you want; that’s why we fight so hard to hold onto our expectations! But if you’re being unrealistic, then you’re probably not going to get what you want AND you’re going to be upset about it.

Instead, be honest about what you want and whether you can have it in exactly that way, right now. If you can’t, then think about what you can have now, and open up to other ways you can find the rest of what you’re looking for.

I invite you to look at one small area of your life where you’re having trouble meeting your own expectations (“I’m going to organize my whole house this weekend,” “I’m going to launch a brand new business and it will be wildly successful immediately”), and give yourself permission to reset your expectations to someplace attainable (“I’m going to spend half an hour clearing out a shelf in the pantry,” “I’m going to outline a plan for my business idea and find a supportive entrepreneur to talk to”).

If you do this, you will be giving yourself one of the greatest possible gifts: the chance to actually succeed.

I wish you the best of luck, and look forward to hearing what you come up with!

P.S. If you actually are looking for some supportive entrepreneurs to talk to, check out Angela Jia Kim’s fantastic community, Savor the Success. It's filled with incredible businesswomen who are generous, vocal and willing to be honest about what it really takes to run your own business. And if you want to find out how to clear out your space, time and mind, email me!

Lessons Learned from Childern of Hoarders

(Brian Stauffer image)

Last Thursday's Home section of the New York Times featured an article entitled, "Leaving the Cluttered Nest" (5/12/11). It explores the effect of hoarding on the children of hoarders.

I found the insights helpful even for those of us who did not grow up in such extreme environments, but who may have grown up with conflicting relationships with stuff, and who struggle with clutter today. For example:

-Understand that a parent may have been dealing with anxiety disorders through his or her stuff (or food, or money, while we're at it). The "stuff" may have brought the parent comfort s/he couldn't find elsewhere.

-Even if they didn't like the environments they were creating, parents may have felt powerless to fix them. "As the house filled up, though, she shut down. 'I never really could put effort into my environment because I felt overwhelmed by everything.'" (Sound familiar? I know I've felt that way, and so have the vast majority, if not all, of my clients and workshop participants.)

-When you don't grow up with a role model who has a healthy relationship with his or her stuff, you need to develop a healthy relationship on your own. In addition, there are a whole set of basic household and decision-making skills that need to be learned if you were never taught them as a child.

-Research done at Johns Hopkins University suggests that hoarding may run in families, that there may be a genetic component to it. This doesn't mean it's inevitable that you'll follow in a parent's footsteps, but it's good to understand, both so you can be aware of the choices you're making and whether you want to adjust any of your behaviors, and so you know that it's coming from someplace outside of you as well as inside.

Finally, one last point the article makes really struck me. It's what I've been teaching for years now, and I was thrilled to see it being addressed. I'm going to share it here, because I think it's pivotal for anyone struggling with clutter (or is close to someone who is) to understand:

"Most therapists agree that the disorder is complex and difficult to treat. Dr. Frost noted that there has been some success with cognitive behavior therapy that 'includes a combination of things: focusing on controlling the urge to acquire and learning how to break the attachment people have to things.'

"Just trying to de-clutter the home doesn't work, because 'you're dealing with the product of the behavior, not the behavior itself,' he said. 'That's what's so frustrating to family members--they're trying to de-clutter and it ends up being a giant argument.'"

Like with so many other harmful behaviors, if you just try to address the symptoms and ignore the underlying causes, any results you may see will be short-lived. To create lasting change, you must work on both internal and external levels.

You must work to understand and heal your underlying pain while you're clearing out your physical space. You have to discover what you're searching for at your core and figure out how to give it to yourself in a filling, nurturing way, rather than in a fleeting, self-destructive way.

And do it from a place of joy, a place of curiosity and exploration. Do it without judgment, and take it one step at a time. It's a doorway to discovering the part of your life that's been waiting for you to accept and care for yourself with your whole heart.

First Buzz List WINNER

I loved Alissa's entry, and she graciously allowed me to share it with you.

I think one of the things I am most proud of is how open I am with other people. Yes, that could just be considered "that Alissa, she really likes to talk about herself..." but I do think it is important that I am always willing to share my experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly - if it will help others. A specific example comes to mind from earlier this week. As you may know from FB posts, my second son Seth was born via gestational surrogacy. I have always been very open about it and so a colleague from work asked if she could put me in touch with a friend of hers who is just starting to explore surrogacy. Of course, I said yes. We spoke a few weeks ago, and then just Monday went out for lunch so that we could talk in more detail and in person. I am privileged to have gone through such a unique experience and help others who are considering the same. I completely respect the fact that many people prefer to keep such personal matters to themselves, but knowing how I craved information as I was going through this a few years ago, I do think that being open, honest and willing to share with others makes a difference!

Thanks Alissa--hope you enjoy the chocolate!!

Buzz!

I shared this in a recent JOYmail, and got some wonderful responses. Join in the fun, and share your own Buzz List below!

First, know this: (1) EVERYBODY can make a difference, and (2) you already do.

To help you fully embody that knowledge, I invite you to do the following:

1. Visit www.fallingwhistles.com for an incredibly powerful, heartbreaking, inspiring and ultimately hopeful message, and an opportunity to take part in creating change NOW.

2. Take a five-minute time-out and actively think about the difference YOU make simply by being here, by being yourself, by showing up in the world.

3. Write down everything you come up with. Just let it flow out of you--it all counts: making great pancakes, volunteering at a shelter, donating toys, reading to your child, smiling at strangers, taking a stand for your clients, creating anything at all... This is your Buzz List; I want these things buzzing around your head, reminding you of how awesome you already are and how much good you bring to the world.

4. Consider inviting your friends to do this exercise too, and then send each other your favorite discoveries. Saying it to yourself is one thing, but being willing to claim it out loud is a whole other level of owning your greatness.

5. Post your favorite item on your Buzz List in a comment below. Share the difference you make that makes you proudest, and tell me why. Remember what I just said about saying things out loud? Posting online counts too. Plus, the farther you put it out in the world, the greater your ability to inspire others. (You can email me directly at jennifer@aplaceofjoy.com)

I can't wait to hear you toot your own horn, and to celebrate the wonder of humanity by learning about the acts of creativity, kindness, generosity, beauty and love that you share with the world.

Much joy to you!!

One Out of Three Ain't Bad

OK, I used the fact that my internet was down for three days last week as an excuse to not post all of the reasons why I did not let go of three cookbooks.

This week I decided I'd better look a little more closely at why I was resisting giving away the cookbooks. Here it is: They each represent the fantasy future in which I always cook amazing, delicious, healthy meals. And there's more: I'm actually making that future a reality little by little, so every time I pick up a cookbook to toss, I start thinking that I actually MIGHT make these dishes!

So here's what I did. I tossed all my cooking magazines (OK, there were only four, but still, I'd had one of them since 2003), and decided to count that as one book. One down, two to go.

I next decided that I would start cooking one new recipe a week. If I get annoyed by a cookbook because it doesn't actually have anything I want to or can easily cook, it can go. It feels reasonable, and I'm moving forward.

We'll see how it goes, and if I master any mouth-watering dishes I'll let you know...

You Can't Eat Your Cookbooks

I have a lot of cookbooks. And this is after my stalwart friend Natalie "helped" (= made) me get rid of half of them several years ago.

And I don't really cook with them. I peruse them once in a while, imagining that by reading healthy recipes my body will magically become sated and energized. I also sometimes get whipped into a frenzy of determined-cooking action, but when I can't find a recipe that uses readily available ingredients (or that actually sounds good and/or makeable), I put the cookbooks back on the shelf and make eggs.

So why am I SO resistant to letting go of my cookbooks?

The reasons that come to mind include:
-I THINK I will have time/energy/desire to cook elaborate, healthy meals someday and it would be a waste to not have cookbooks when that day comes
-I think I SHOULD be cooking not-so-elaborate, but still healthy, meals now, and having cookbooks SHOULD make that easier
-I wish someone ELSE were cooking me elaborate, healthy meals, and looking at cookbooks is the next best thing
-Many of them were gifts, and of course I feel bad giving them away, plus I imagine that whoever gave them to me uses her cookbooks easily and joyfully to--you guessed it--cook elaborate, healthy meals
-I spent money on them and haven't earned my investment back yet

So I see a lot of "shoulds," assumptions, projections, blame and guilt going on here. If I were to give myself permission to be exactly who I am and be fine with that, what would I allow myself to do? Let's see...

I would say that I'm busy. That I do love the idea of eating good, healthy food, and I do the best I can right now. I have a couple of recipes I like, and there are plenty of cookbooks I open up time and time again and never find anything that strikes my fancy. I could likely explore the few cookbooks I've already used happily and find more recipes, while releasing the others to people who will love them. I usually download new ones from the internet anyway, or ask friends for ones I've actually tasted and liked.

And underneath that: It's perfect to be exactly who I am. I am fine. I will always have everything I need. I can jump into the Universal Law of circulation, pass along some cookbooks that will make someone else happy, open up space for something else in my life, and trust that if I want the exact same cookbooks again in the future they will come to me.

I'm also fine in that I've kept myself and my family fed for several years now and we're doing pretty well. I could not ever read a recipe again and still cook perfectly passable, and even creative, meals for a good long time.

Today someone said something beautiful that really resonated with me: "Choose simplicity." Imagine how much energy I'll save by NOT looking through cookbooks I don't use, by NOT feeling guilty every time I don't use them, and by NOT beating myself up for holding on to them.

Tonight I'm going to choose three cookbooks and put them out in my lobby with a sign for people to help themselves. And it will be a stretch for me, and I will be a little afraid, and I will hopefully prove to myself that I'm absolutely OK without these cookbooks. My world will not fall apart. I probably won't think about them again. And who knows what else the empty space may usher in...or what inspired meals may arise from my belief that it will all be OK with a little ingenuity and some eggs!

Those Pesky Recipes You Tear Out of Magazines

Hello! I know this blog has been about me this whole time, but a client actually emailed me a question & I thought the answer I gave her might be helpful to other people out there in the world, so I decided to post it.

*Keep in mind that we've already been working together, and although it's just been three weeks, she's already made a HUGE shift in managing her time, energy and resources at work with one incredibly simple step. I had her isolate a set time every day to handle a particular aspect of her job that was bleeding into every hour and task and preventing her from really getting anything done. She now handles client work from 11:00 AM - 1:00 PM, and all related emails and phone calls that arrive after 1 PM simply wait until the next day.

This approach had a profound and immediate impact on her time, energy and productivity--as well as the way she felt about herself and what she could accomplish. You can totally try this, and I bet it can work for you too! Anyway, I wanted to share this so you understand how experiencing this success made it so much more possible for her to take the next step towards reclaiming her time and living the life she wants to live. Here's her question & my answer:

"When I am reading I like to rip out the magazine pages of either recipes to consider making or websites that the magazine mentions that I want to look up. How would you suggest I handle these pages?

"And I would love to ideally give myself 20 minutes twice a month to go through the pages and either use the recipes and look up the websites or discard the paper. For now I just have pages and pages of meaningless cutouts with little plan for dealing with/enjoying them. What do you suggest?"


Excellent question! OK:

1) Where are you when you go through the magazines & pull out the pages? If it's always at home in one place, then we'll create a storage system for you there; if it's all over the place--on the subway, at work, at home...--you'll want one end-point storage solution plus temporary spots for the in-between (like a place in your purse or at work until you get it home).

2) A storage solution should be really simple--a folder or file or poly envelope for recipes & one for websites, or even a 2-pocket folder with one side for recipes & one for websites. It's great if it's pretty/funky/colorful & easy to spot. You should keep it in one convenient location--desk, night table, kitchen...--and consistently put things in there. We can talk more about troubleshooting if it doesn't quite work when you first set it up.

3) Love the 20 minutes twice a month. I'm tempted to have that be the thing you try this month by putting it in your calendar at specific times & treating it the way you do your customer service time. If that feels right to you, please email me & let me know WHEN & WHERE you plan to do it (take the folder to Starbucks, do it at home at night or on a weekend...). Be specific. You KNOW you can do this because you've done it at work already!


Hope you find this helpful too! Feel free to let me know if you've got any questions about your own organizing spillover. I'm happy to answer whatever I can!