First Buzz List WINNER

I loved Alissa's entry, and she graciously allowed me to share it with you.

I think one of the things I am most proud of is how open I am with other people. Yes, that could just be considered "that Alissa, she really likes to talk about herself..." but I do think it is important that I am always willing to share my experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly - if it will help others. A specific example comes to mind from earlier this week. As you may know from FB posts, my second son Seth was born via gestational surrogacy. I have always been very open about it and so a colleague from work asked if she could put me in touch with a friend of hers who is just starting to explore surrogacy. Of course, I said yes. We spoke a few weeks ago, and then just Monday went out for lunch so that we could talk in more detail and in person. I am privileged to have gone through such a unique experience and help others who are considering the same. I completely respect the fact that many people prefer to keep such personal matters to themselves, but knowing how I craved information as I was going through this a few years ago, I do think that being open, honest and willing to share with others makes a difference!

Thanks Alissa--hope you enjoy the chocolate!!

Buzz!

I shared this in a recent JOYmail, and got some wonderful responses. Join in the fun, and share your own Buzz List below!

First, know this: (1) EVERYBODY can make a difference, and (2) you already do.

To help you fully embody that knowledge, I invite you to do the following:

1. Visit www.fallingwhistles.com for an incredibly powerful, heartbreaking, inspiring and ultimately hopeful message, and an opportunity to take part in creating change NOW.

2. Take a five-minute time-out and actively think about the difference YOU make simply by being here, by being yourself, by showing up in the world.

3. Write down everything you come up with. Just let it flow out of you--it all counts: making great pancakes, volunteering at a shelter, donating toys, reading to your child, smiling at strangers, taking a stand for your clients, creating anything at all... This is your Buzz List; I want these things buzzing around your head, reminding you of how awesome you already are and how much good you bring to the world.

4. Consider inviting your friends to do this exercise too, and then send each other your favorite discoveries. Saying it to yourself is one thing, but being willing to claim it out loud is a whole other level of owning your greatness.

5. Post your favorite item on your Buzz List in a comment below. Share the difference you make that makes you proudest, and tell me why. Remember what I just said about saying things out loud? Posting online counts too. Plus, the farther you put it out in the world, the greater your ability to inspire others. (You can email me directly at jennifer@aplaceofjoy.com)

I can't wait to hear you toot your own horn, and to celebrate the wonder of humanity by learning about the acts of creativity, kindness, generosity, beauty and love that you share with the world.

Much joy to you!!

One Out of Three Ain't Bad

OK, I used the fact that my internet was down for three days last week as an excuse to not post all of the reasons why I did not let go of three cookbooks.

This week I decided I'd better look a little more closely at why I was resisting giving away the cookbooks. Here it is: They each represent the fantasy future in which I always cook amazing, delicious, healthy meals. And there's more: I'm actually making that future a reality little by little, so every time I pick up a cookbook to toss, I start thinking that I actually MIGHT make these dishes!

So here's what I did. I tossed all my cooking magazines (OK, there were only four, but still, I'd had one of them since 2003), and decided to count that as one book. One down, two to go.

I next decided that I would start cooking one new recipe a week. If I get annoyed by a cookbook because it doesn't actually have anything I want to or can easily cook, it can go. It feels reasonable, and I'm moving forward.

We'll see how it goes, and if I master any mouth-watering dishes I'll let you know...

You Can't Eat Your Cookbooks

I have a lot of cookbooks. And this is after my stalwart friend Natalie "helped" (= made) me get rid of half of them several years ago.

And I don't really cook with them. I peruse them once in a while, imagining that by reading healthy recipes my body will magically become sated and energized. I also sometimes get whipped into a frenzy of determined-cooking action, but when I can't find a recipe that uses readily available ingredients (or that actually sounds good and/or makeable), I put the cookbooks back on the shelf and make eggs.

So why am I SO resistant to letting go of my cookbooks?

The reasons that come to mind include:
-I THINK I will have time/energy/desire to cook elaborate, healthy meals someday and it would be a waste to not have cookbooks when that day comes
-I think I SHOULD be cooking not-so-elaborate, but still healthy, meals now, and having cookbooks SHOULD make that easier
-I wish someone ELSE were cooking me elaborate, healthy meals, and looking at cookbooks is the next best thing
-Many of them were gifts, and of course I feel bad giving them away, plus I imagine that whoever gave them to me uses her cookbooks easily and joyfully to--you guessed it--cook elaborate, healthy meals
-I spent money on them and haven't earned my investment back yet

So I see a lot of "shoulds," assumptions, projections, blame and guilt going on here. If I were to give myself permission to be exactly who I am and be fine with that, what would I allow myself to do? Let's see...

I would say that I'm busy. That I do love the idea of eating good, healthy food, and I do the best I can right now. I have a couple of recipes I like, and there are plenty of cookbooks I open up time and time again and never find anything that strikes my fancy. I could likely explore the few cookbooks I've already used happily and find more recipes, while releasing the others to people who will love them. I usually download new ones from the internet anyway, or ask friends for ones I've actually tasted and liked.

And underneath that: It's perfect to be exactly who I am. I am fine. I will always have everything I need. I can jump into the Universal Law of circulation, pass along some cookbooks that will make someone else happy, open up space for something else in my life, and trust that if I want the exact same cookbooks again in the future they will come to me.

I'm also fine in that I've kept myself and my family fed for several years now and we're doing pretty well. I could not ever read a recipe again and still cook perfectly passable, and even creative, meals for a good long time.

Today someone said something beautiful that really resonated with me: "Choose simplicity." Imagine how much energy I'll save by NOT looking through cookbooks I don't use, by NOT feeling guilty every time I don't use them, and by NOT beating myself up for holding on to them.

Tonight I'm going to choose three cookbooks and put them out in my lobby with a sign for people to help themselves. And it will be a stretch for me, and I will be a little afraid, and I will hopefully prove to myself that I'm absolutely OK without these cookbooks. My world will not fall apart. I probably won't think about them again. And who knows what else the empty space may usher in...or what inspired meals may arise from my belief that it will all be OK with a little ingenuity and some eggs!

Those Pesky Recipes You Tear Out of Magazines

Hello! I know this blog has been about me this whole time, but a client actually emailed me a question & I thought the answer I gave her might be helpful to other people out there in the world, so I decided to post it.

*Keep in mind that we've already been working together, and although it's just been three weeks, she's already made a HUGE shift in managing her time, energy and resources at work with one incredibly simple step. I had her isolate a set time every day to handle a particular aspect of her job that was bleeding into every hour and task and preventing her from really getting anything done. She now handles client work from 11:00 AM - 1:00 PM, and all related emails and phone calls that arrive after 1 PM simply wait until the next day.

This approach had a profound and immediate impact on her time, energy and productivity--as well as the way she felt about herself and what she could accomplish. You can totally try this, and I bet it can work for you too! Anyway, I wanted to share this so you understand how experiencing this success made it so much more possible for her to take the next step towards reclaiming her time and living the life she wants to live. Here's her question & my answer:

"When I am reading I like to rip out the magazine pages of either recipes to consider making or websites that the magazine mentions that I want to look up. How would you suggest I handle these pages?

"And I would love to ideally give myself 20 minutes twice a month to go through the pages and either use the recipes and look up the websites or discard the paper. For now I just have pages and pages of meaningless cutouts with little plan for dealing with/enjoying them. What do you suggest?"


Excellent question! OK:

1) Where are you when you go through the magazines & pull out the pages? If it's always at home in one place, then we'll create a storage system for you there; if it's all over the place--on the subway, at work, at home...--you'll want one end-point storage solution plus temporary spots for the in-between (like a place in your purse or at work until you get it home).

2) A storage solution should be really simple--a folder or file or poly envelope for recipes & one for websites, or even a 2-pocket folder with one side for recipes & one for websites. It's great if it's pretty/funky/colorful & easy to spot. You should keep it in one convenient location--desk, night table, kitchen...--and consistently put things in there. We can talk more about troubleshooting if it doesn't quite work when you first set it up.

3) Love the 20 minutes twice a month. I'm tempted to have that be the thing you try this month by putting it in your calendar at specific times & treating it the way you do your customer service time. If that feels right to you, please email me & let me know WHEN & WHERE you plan to do it (take the folder to Starbucks, do it at home at night or on a weekend...). Be specific. You KNOW you can do this because you've done it at work already!


Hope you find this helpful too! Feel free to let me know if you've got any questions about your own organizing spillover. I'm happy to answer whatever I can!

Wisdom Comes

I've been learning to observe my thoughts and distinguish the voices in my head for about a year now, and I can see it's sinking in. One of the clearest things I've become aware of is the fact that I think I'm right.

I never really understood what people meant by that--I clearly knew that I wasn't always correct, that I sometimes didn't understand things and got things wrong. But I finally understood it a few weeks ago--it's that I actually think that my way is the RIGHT way to do things. And I don't think I'm being obnoxious or condescending when I want people to do it my way; I actually think I'm RIGHT! As if there's a right way to fold shirts, set the table, change a diaper, dress a child, cook eggs, do laundry, live your life.

And my rational mind is screaming as I write these things, because it's completely logical to me that there IS a right way to do all of those things! Your shirt will get less wrinkled if you fold it a particular way; the napkin and fork are supposed to go on the left; a diaper should be not-too-tight and not-too-loose; a child's clothing should be clean and matching and not pajamas at 4 o'clock in the afternoon...you get the picture. This part of my brain fights pretty hard, and I can't reason my way out of it.

The only think I can do is recognize that I feel this way, and remind myself gently that it doesn't matter. There is no perfect. Good enough is good enough. There is so much life to live and I've missed a lot of it getting upset at the things that aren't being done the way they "should."

And now that I see more clearly, I understand the damage I've done. I know the criticism is turned most harshly on myself, but I see its effect mirrored in my husband. I realize now that he consistently expects to be told he's done something wrong. Tonight I asked him if a gift had come with a thank you note attached, and he got SO defensive. I was simply asking, but he felt like I was accusing him of throwing out the note, opening something he shouldn't have, doing something he wasn't supposed to do.

I took a deep breath. I observed what my years of being this way had created, and didn't judge myself for it. I accepted responsibility for my actions. I explained that I'm consciously working on changing these patters, and I asked for his partnership as I shift my way of being. He appreciated it. I felt like a grown-up.

Wisdom comes, one piece at a time. I see new patterns and behaviors that aren't serving me so well and I wish that simply understanding them were enough, but it isn't. It takes awareness and work and patience and consistency to change things that aren't working. And I think you have to still believe you're just fine as you are, even while you're choosing to do things differently. It's kind of a weird combination of acceptance and change. But I'd rather be conscious than not, and I'm SO grateful for every opportunity I have to learn, and to create the reality I want.

What I Figured Out

Hey--so you know I went through that whole habit-shifting project, putting away my clothes each night for 30 days (which really turned into about 45) and writing about it, right? Well, I found out that it actually made a huge difference!

Here's what I think the most important thing that happened is:

I let go of all the negative emotion that was sucking me down every time I looked at that pile of clothes. It was like I'd look at the pile, feel like crap, feel unworthy, feel unable to be organized EVER, feel like it would never get done, and spiral into this tornado of misery and self-pity.

Then I would have no energy to put the clothes away (why bother?) and the pile would get bigger and I'd feel crappier, until finally I'd spend an hour putting everything away, and OF COURSE I would never want to do that job again because it took so freaking long!

But by making a commitment to practice this one new habit each day I kept it small and prevented pileup; by giving myself time to learn a new habit I gave myself permission to be fine just as I was; by letting other people know what I was experiencing (by making it public in the blog) I created a space for accountability and honesty; and by giving room to all those voices in my head I let the arguments out of my brain and encouraged my more nurturing voices to talk, which I think made all the difference in the world.

What I've discovered over the past few weeks is that the anger is gone. The self-blame, the feeling that it's impossible, the disgust with letting it get a certain way is no longer there. It's drained out and I don't need it anymore. I know I can put my clothes away BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY DONE IT. I know that if it piles up I can put it away and THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AS A PERSON. It's just clothing on a chair, not a condemnation of me and all I stand for.

And that's what I figured out. Pretty good for a little organizing experiment, right?