Day 15

Today's mantra is, "Things take time."

As far back as I can remember, I have expected myself to succeed immediately and completely at all times, and if I don't, I know there's something wrong with me/I've failed. There hasn't been room for growth, for a learning curve, for trying things out and working on them, for learning from mistakes or being open to new possibilities.

Come to think of it, until recently I tended to see most things (everything?) in black and white. And I still see a lot of things that way but I'm conscious of it now, and I'm often able to talk myself through my initial reaction and explore the shades of gray.

So one thing that takes time is shifting a habit. Yesterday was a success, though I will say the room wasn't perfect. It was better than my usual travel disarray, but not spic and span clean with completely empty surfaces. Then again, my goal wasn't spic and span, it was to put away each day's clothes, and that got done.

I guess another thing that takes time is believing that this will really make a difference. A part of me is sure it will, and another part thinks it's insignificant. (I suppose we can guess by now whose voice that is. Let's bring in the countering voice, shall we?)

Nurturing parent: Come on, you're doing great. Each step is a significant step, and you are standing in your commitment in such a big way, be proud! This is more than you've ever done before, and I hope you can see this: Just as the clothing pileups had a cumulative negative effect that grew exponentially every day you didn't address them, so too does putting away the clothing have a cumulative positive effect that is far greater than the sum of each individual act.

One more thing that takes time is my willingness/desire to share this experience with others. This blog was meant to keep me accountable and create a structure for my commitment, but it was also meant to open the door for me to take the risk of letting people know that this was what was going on in my life. This part is taking time, and I've decided that that's perfectly fine.

The day I started the blog I only told two people, with whom I'm very close, about it. The next day I told another. And then that was it until yesterday. Yesterday I shared it with a small circle of truly supportive women. It still felt like a risk, but one it was time to take.

I see now that I can choose to take a risk in any area of my life, and that I can support myself in the process by sharing things with the right people at the right time. I can't tell you how many times I tried to share my thoughts and plans with people who, at best, didn't understand, and, at worst, were critical and judgmental. It's a world of difference when the people around you are cheering you on!

I'm not saying I plan to surround myself with "yes" people who never offer a contrary opinion or constructive criticism, I'm just saying that it's my choice who I want to share with, so why not strengthen my foundations with people who are happy to support me?

So if you're reading this blog, I'm going to go ahead and assume you fall into that category, and thank you for being here! And if you're not, that's fine, but I'm hoping that what I share here connects somewhere for you and brings you closer to your own place of joy.

Day 14

I read the most wonderful book yesterday. It's actually a children's book that was way too wordy for my 18-month-old, but I was so taken by it that when he got up and walked away after three pages I kept reading.

"The Quiltmaker's Gift," by Jeff Brumbeau, exquisitely illustrated by Gail de Marcken, is a simple but profound story. It's about a quiltmaker who lives in the mountains and makes the most extraordinary quilts. In spite of the crowds of people who come to her, pockets full of gold, begging to buy her quilts, she refuses to sell them; instead, she quietly gives them away to poor or homeless people.

There is, of course, a local greedy king (seriously greedy--he loves stuff so much that he orders that his birthday be celebrated twice a year so he can get more presents!). And here's where I felt the karma drawing me to the book:

"And yet with all these marvelous treasures to enjoy, the king never smiled. He was not happy at all. 'Somewhere there must be one beautiful thing that will finally make me happy,' he was often heard to say. 'And I will have it!'"

I can so relate. And I know a lot of my clients can too. It reminds me of something my business coach calls "the myth of arrival," and though she's talking about the misguided belief that you ever actually reach a point where you're done, you've arrived, you are exactly the success you imagined and have no new challenges, interests or desires, I think it also applies to a state of being that you think your possessions can get you to.

I have experienced this a lot with makeup. And clothing. And books, stationery, pens, art supplies, accessories, coaches, classes, advisors, bedding, businesses, projects, scrapbooking paper, baby clothes, baby gear, gifts to give one day, handbags, tote bags, travel bags, serving platters, and cake decorating equipment. That's just off the top of my head.

Now, I still live a fully-functional life; have a decent, though somewhat crowded, home; run a successful business; and am blessed with loving relationships. But there's clearly something going on, something missing that I've been trying to replace with stuff, some hunger I feed with the next best thing and this belief that keeps me searching for THE thing that will be the answer.

In the book, the king demands that the quiltmaker give him a quilt; she refuses. He insists that it's the one thing that will make him happy. She thinks for a moment and then replies:

"'Make presents of everything you own,...and then I'll make a quilt for you. With each gift that you give, I'll sew in another piece. When at last all your things are gone, your quilt will be finished."

Needless to say, the king's not crazy about this idea. In fact, he chains her to a rock in a cave with a bear and leaves her with the words, "I'm sure he will make a very fine breakfast of you." (He doesn't; the bear and the quiltmaker become quite friendly.)

The point is, over the course of the story the king learns that the true value of his things is the joy they bring to other people. He starts small--the only thing he can bear to give away at first is a marble--but he sticks with it, and eventually the power of giving becomes such a integral part of him that he cannot live any other way. And of course the thing he was searching for all this time was that connection to other people, the ability to live outside of himself and beyond his own desires, to be genuinely concerned for others. When he released his hold on his stuff, he was welcomed into a world that valued him and not his trappings.

I've been thinking a lot about this. I am in the process of separating my conception of my value from my stuff, my "accomplishments," my "success." This is so central to my being whole that I feel like I have to do this before I can do anything else. I think that giving things away is a part of it, and not accumulating more than I need is another part, but caring for those things I do love and use--and, by extension, caring for myself--is a third, vital part.

Taking those few moments every day to put some clothes away and make my room feel better means I'm taking time for myself. And that means I'm as important as everything and everybody else on my list. And when this becomes a comfortable habit for me, I will focus on the next new habit that creates joy, and the next one, and as I do this I will be freeing up time and energy for the things that are truly important. And each day I get to live my own life a little bit more. And every time I discover more of who I am, I get to put that part out into the world and see where it can make a difference.

Days 12 & 13

Oops. Yesterday I was seriously congratulating myself for really pulling together the clothes that were starting to get scattered across the guest bedroom we're staying in, and thinking about how proudly I could blog about it when I realized that I'd run out of time to blog.

We observe shabbos (the Jewish sabbath) and I don't use electricity on Friday nights or Saturdays, which means all computer-related activities need to be completed before sundown on Friday. I'd spent a huge chunk of the day on the computer finishing an article about whether technology really can help students who are struggling with learning issues (yes and no), then played with and fed the baby, cleaned up, and promptly had my little epiphany about blog-time.

I was shocked and disappointed that I was going to miss the blog for the first time, and that I was breaking the commitment I'd made. But it was what it was, and the best I could do was learn a lesson and move on.

So I guess the lesson has to do with time management and bigger pictures. Time management in terms of getting the important things done earlier, even if it's a quick and dirty job, just to be sure they get done; and bigger pictures in terms of what's really important at the end of the day, and to me, lately, that's been to spend time with my son, and if that means changing my life up a bit to fit in one more walk or game or meal, then that's going to be my choice for now. (By the way, "for now" are two of the best words my business coach ever shared with me. Try them out--they're great for relieving pressure and anxiety in most situations!)

I know it's a balance between doing the things that will help me learn and grow and better myself, and the things that just make me happy. It's also a balance between holding myself accountable/being responsible, and not beating myself up for forgetting things/messing up/doing things differently than I'd planned. I imagine this will always be something to figure out as I go along, but being conscious of the choice does help.

So, to get back to the clothes--not bad. I'm consciously taking the time throughout the day to fold and stow, neaten and straighten, and it's better than it used to be when we traveled. It's not gorgeous, since I decided not to bother unpacking everything for the four days we're going to be here, so most clothes are still living in bags, but it's more contained than usual and I'm putting the time in. I feel like it's a great step in the right direction, which works for me. For now.

Day 11

Victory! Double victory!!

Clothes, done. And today we did five loads of laundry and super-quick folded everything and put it away. It was a little crazy--we were leaving town for the weekend and decided, insanely, to do laundry before we left. And then we (my husband, really) didn't want to come home to upheaval so we madly folded and shelved and hung everything while packing, feeding the baby and checking our email (OK, my email, but just for two very specific things).

The good news is--well, the first good news is that we have clean clothes and the apartment looks great. But the second good news is that I now know the laundry can get done and put away relatively quickly, as long as I set aside the time to do it.

Sometimes I get upset when I discover that something that I've been resisting, avoiding, or excusing myself from doing is easier than I thought it would be. It means I can't use the excuses so much anymore. It means that I've actually been making choices all along, and now that I know it's within my power to make different choices I have to accept that whatever the outcome is, it's in my hands.

And sometimes I see beyond that and am encouraged. Reality can deflate the anxiety, resistance and frustration surrounding a particular obstacle. Simply seeing how long a task actually takes and how painless it can be can wake me up and move the task from the "dread list" into "routine."

And sometimes it goes back and forth and shifts slowly. I've been shifting the laundry category over in my mind for about two months now and it's definitely getting easier. So that's good news too! Not a bad day's work.

Day 10

This blog is really serving its purpose. I put everything away yesterday, and then today I found two sweaters in unlikely places. I dropped them on my bed to put away later, but when I sat down to write this post I felt like I couldn't start until the sweaters were put away, so I got up and took care of it.

(Again with the Critical Parent: Who CARES?!?! It's just a stupid sweater! What do you want--the medal of honor for cleaning up after yourself? Most people do this without thinking, why do you want credit for catching up from behind? You're below ground level. Talk to me when you do something above and beyond--way above and beyond--what I'd expect a self-sufficient adult to be able to do.)

(Help!)

(Nurturing Parent and Adult Voice: OK, don't be surprised that your Critical Parent still has strong feelings and is intent on voicing them. It's OK, he'll keep getting quieter. In the meantime, let's review: Your sweaters aren't just sweaters; they're clutter and confusion and rebellion and frustration. And now you're paying attention to them and thinking about how you'd like to feel instead and how you can make it happen. You're listening to what the sweaters are telling you and thanking them for calling your attention to an area you'd like to address. Then you're saying, "I don't need you to deliver the message anymore--I got it. I want to take care of myself, and I can."

You've been through a lot of self-blame for the state of your home, and it doesn't serve you. Now you're over a week into a new approach and it's WORKING!!! You are gently shifting a behavior that has created so many messes in the past. You see that you can do it. You ARE doing it. And that's all you need to do, and all you need to be.

You are enough as you are. Everyone is. There's no baseline and no universal yardstick. You don't need to be anything else, and if someone's waiting for something else then that's their problem. It's time for you to stop waiting and simply be.)

Ah. That was nice! I wasn't expecting any of that, so I guess this blog is serving another huge purpose--giving the voices in my head some space to stretch. It's allowing the more objective, kinder selves to counter the criticism and offer me a way out. I'm switching the steps of the dance, as they say, so we have to head in a new direction, which will be a nice change of scenery from the circles in which I've been running.

Day 9

Success! Yesterday was pretty easy--it's sweltering here, so just about everything went into the laundry. (Nurturing parent: OK, great! And you took the time to get everything put away, including shoes and other things that didn't go into the laundry bin, so rejoice at the fact that you calmly checked off another day of success.)

Upcoming challenges: doing laundry and getting it all put away in one shot, and traveling neatly. That one's a particularly big challenge. My husband has told me that he thinks that when we stay in a hotel room or guest room that I "aggressively spread out and mess it up," and that he thinks I "would have to put effort into making it that messy." (I know he's not happy about it, but he does say it with love.)

I'm sometimes shocked by how quickly I can transform a perfectly neat hotel room into a disaster area, and it's so unintentional. (At least, it's not conscious.) I started making an effort the last time I traveled, a few weeks ago, to Boston. And, not surprisingly, when I consciously set my intention to keep the space clean, stayed aware of my actions, and was willing to put some time into maintaining a living space, it wasn't so hard. It wasn't so easy for me, but it wasn't so hard.

It's just that there are so many other things I'd rather be doing than putting my clothes away! I suppose that's the brat speaking (that's another one of those sub-selves), and the adult would explain that it simply makes sense to invest a little time up front and here and there to keep things in order so I don't waste a lot more time searching for things or getting upset that they're wrinkled/dirty/at the pool in the hotel we checked out of yesterday.

I go back and forth on this. On the one hand, I believe there are significant undercurrents, emotional and psychological, that affect our behavior. We have clutter for a reason, or for lots of reasons, and it's important to shift the deeper beliefs in order to create lasting change in our space (and selves). At the same time, I've spent years thinking and talking about the reasons for my clutter and haven't made enough significant changes in my own space to be content.

I guess that's where my chore-chart comes in. It's my next step, my attempt to see what happens if I'm willing to do the part I don't really want to do (put away my clothes every day). It's as if I believe they should magically be put away for me since I'm too busy doing other, more important things. This is also a bit of a stretch for me, to see what it's like to commit to something over a period of time, not knowing whether or not it will work.

I hope that I can focus on what's right in front of me and change the bigger picture with little shifts. My old nutritionist shared a wonderful quote with me:

"Extraordinary results are created by doing ordinary things consistently."

I give this quote to everyone in my workshops. For me, the aim is to balance the inner and the outer, the awareness of why we clutter and the effect it has on us, and the small steps we can take each day to turn our homes into a places of joy.

Day 8

One week. All is good. It's easier than I thought, it just requires conscious effort on my part.

On the little chore chart that I made, I left a square open at the end of each week. If I successfully put all my clothes away each evening (allowing for certain adjustments), I get a gold star. Can I tell you, it was really fun to give myself a gold star today! I can't even remember the last time I got a gold star for anything. I was probably drinking apple juice and eating Tam Tams at the time.

I can do this for another week, though my intention is to keep taking it one day at a time. Seeing that I knocked a week out like that gives me faith that I can repeat it. But, as I said yesterday, it also gives me some perspective on how long this process takes and how much more I want to change.

I started working on the backlog today, just a little. I don't even know if "backlog" is the right word--this particular pile was made up of the laundry that didn't get put away since...a somewhat embarrassingly long time ago.

I did the laundry last week, but my husband took over and not all of it made it back into our apartment from the communal laundry room. On Sunday night I was fishing around my drawer for a pair of shorts and I couldn't find any. Suddenly it dawned on me that a whole load of laundry might be floating around our building unmonitored, making trouble.

Luckily I found everything waiting cheerfully for me in a bin in the laundry room. I promptly gathered it up and dumped it on my bedroom floor. Where it sat for eight days. I had plenty of "good reasons" not to put it away right away, and when I started my new habit chart I didn't count the laundry as clothing that needed to be put away on a particular day because I hadn't actually worn it (pretty smart, huh?). But today I decided to throw one of my "Ten Minute Miracles" at the pile, and everything got folded and put away in just about no time flat. It made such a big difference to the room, and took so little effort!

I'll talk more about the theory of the Ten Minute Miracle later, but in the meantime I am happy to know that I can start to work in both directions at the same time, something I encourage my clients to do. Create the new system or start the new habit NOW, and, at the same time, work backwards to clear up whatever's been piling up until now. Many of your new systems will be born out of your piles, and you can function so much more easily when your current stuff, whether it's clothing or paper, is easy to find.

You'll also be training yourself in the all-important art of maintenance, or, as I like to call it, flow. This is another piece at the heart of creating and living in a space you love, and I hope to welcome it into my life with joy.

Day 7

Victory, again! I'm almost at one week, and it feels really good. (Adult voice/Nurturing parent: Yes, this is something to be proud of. You've identified something you want to work on, and you're working on it consistently. There have been unexpected bumps along the way, and you've handled them in a reasonable, thoughtful way. Good job. You can keep it up!)

The latest unexpected bumps: I realized today that there were pockets of clothes that somehow made it only halfway home yesterday. I meant to put away the clothes I slept in, but they ended up on a rocking chair in the baby's room. They were partially obscured by a pair of his pants (Pin stripe linen pants for toddlers! I could not resist.), but I really don't know how they got there or how I missed them.

There was also a pair of pants I worked out in that were still in a bag. At some point on Friday I made a conscious note of them as I mentally planned my putting-away, but by the evening I'd forgotten about them.

So I put the night clothes away when I came across them, and left the pants until today for some reason, but they're away now too. Somehow they were compartmentalized into work-related-objects, so they suddenly didn't really count as clothes. Don't ask me why my mind took that particular leap, but it all seems to have worked out.

My bigger thought lately has been that this doesn't feel like enough. Don't get me wrong--this process is addressing a core issue and I very much believe in it and in the way I'm doing it. And I don't want to diminish or derail my success by allowing myself to get overwhelmed by the big picture. But I do have to think about the fact that this wonderful new habit of addressing the daily pileup isn't helping the piles that already exist.

I don't see enough of a difference, and I think it's important to see progress if you want to stay encouraged. So I'm wondering how to ramp up this process without setting unrealistic goals and without creating a rigid, unlivable structure. I'll let you know what I come up with.

Day 6

Done. With some minor adjustments.

I decided that if there was a good reason to leave clothes out overnight, as there was last night, I could do it neatly and put them away the next morning, which would be a reasonable amendment to my goal. I went back and forth a bit, wondering if I was just making excuses (it's too dark, I can't turn on the light, and I can't see what I'm doing, so it's ridiculous to fumble around and try to put my clothes away), and then concluded that it's reasonable to accommodate the things life throws at you without being too rigid or flipping out.

The whole point of this new habit is to prevent buildup of more than one day, so if I put the previous day's clothes away before the new day really starts, it still works. Another benefit to this modification was that I hung my clothes on the back of my desk chair, which is one of those chairs with a mesh back and sits right across from my bed. It wasn't until three nights ago that I realized that my computer lights glow really brightly and the only thing that had been blocking them from view when I went to sleep was the fact that there were always clothes draped over my chair!

While covering the lights again with my clothes again was a clutch move, it is obviously not a viable long-term solution. So I'll be working on an alternative light-blocker as I continue down my path towards a clear and happy home.

Day 5

Success again!

I'm realizing this is more than a one-event-per-day process. I kind of thought I'd just have a few things to put away at night before I went to bed, but it turns out I have to deal with:

1. The clothes I slept in
2. The clothes I change out of over the course of the day, which can collect at an alarming rate depending on whether I'm working with clients, going to the gym (OK, those don't pile up that much), heading to the playground, hanging around the apartment, or getting alternately soaked or steamed up during this insane New York summer
3. Well, it's really just those two categories, but #2 is really a lot

So I'm making it as easy as possible: Sleep clothes can be tossed into the drawer if I just can't deal with folding them, and the rest-of-the-day clothes can stay on my bed if necessary, as long as they get put away before the end of the day.

That seems to be working. Also the fact that it's such a sweaty summer helps, because then I don't feel guilty about tossing clothes into the laundry instead of hanging them up.

Here's to making your life easier, one step at a time. Cheers!

Day 4

Again, success. And now I have to work at not immediately minimizing my success. My "critical parent" jumps in as soon as I say it and belittles me for considering this a success--all "normal" people hang up their clothes automatically, I can't believe you have to work to make this happen, and why are you making a big deal out of this? Who cares? It's nothing to be proud of.

Ah, so nice to have company in my head.

So now I welcome in the adult voice (weirdly it just occurred to me that these voices are almost all male voices even though I myself am most certainly not a male) and the adult voice says, "First of all, there's no such thing as 'normal.' And we FOR SURE know that there are a lot of smart, successful, wonderful people who dump their clothes on the floor every night. We work with several of them.

"Second of all, this is simply a long-standing habit of mine. It is neither good nor bad, it simply is. It turns out it doesn't serve me so well, therefore I'm choosing to change it. It's taken me years to build this particular habit, so of course it's going to take some work to shift it. It's got grooves in my brain and now I have to dig new pathways for new habits to follow. That doesn't happen overnight, and good for me for being willing to put in the work!

"Third of all, this IS a big deal, to me. And that's the only person who needs to care about it. It's a big deal because I want my space to look and feel different, I want to know that I have power over my habits and not the other way around, and I want to be able to show people that it really can be different--if I can do it, anyone can.

"And taking the time, making the commitment, and making it public is something to be proud of. All we have is ourselves, our lives, our choices--how wonderful to decide to make it better in any way at all. How wonderful to have awareness and to take action. How wonderful to stand up against all the voices that are telling you , 'No!' and to simply smile and say, 'Yes.' That is something to be proud of. I am very proud indeed."

That's better.

Day 3

Victory!

All of my clothes got put away before I went to bed. I will tell you that I was so nervous about it that I almost changed into my pajamas at 5:30 just to be sure it would get done.

I also knew it would be easier because our 18-month-old was sleeping over at my mom's place so I didn't have to worry about waking him up when I went in to put away the clothes. (Did I mention that my closet is in his bedroom? Creative closetry seems to come with the territory when you live in Manhattan.)

In truth, I discovered on Monday night (otherwise known as "Day 1") that since he started sleeping well it's not really so hard to quietly go in & put my clothes away. It was one of the excuses I was using, and that's OK--I just calmly (and non-judgmentally) allowed myself to see that it's not a valid excuse so I don't need to let it stand in my way.

That was my "adult voice" speaking. I'm learning from a wonderful coach that we have many "sub-selves," including the saboteur, the victim, and the critical parent (mine are apparently REALLY strong), in addition to the adult and the nurturing parent (which seems to be "just a flicker" at this point). So the good news is that I get to recognize these things and nurture my nurturing parent by validating myself, and talk to the more negative selves with my rational, adult voice and explain to them why what they are saying doesn't really hold water.

So here's my validation for today: I committed to this process and it's already my third day of success. I am proud that I'm taking this seriously, and that I'm owning my ability to choose. Yesterday I chose to be inspired instead of defeated, and my whole world seemed to shift.

Today one of my workshop participants told me that her new mantra is, "Life is a choice, everything you do is a choice." She understands now that it is her choice to leave out or put away her clothes, and that it's neither bad nor good, it just is. And she can see how she feels when she makes one choice or another, and then decide to choose differently if she wants to.

She said this has had such major ramifications--she realized that she could choose to get upset or not get upset, she could choose how she wanted to be. This is HUGE!!! When you're in "victim state," the problem is always somebody or something else's fault--but what that means is that you have no power. If you take responsibility (for the state of your bedroom, for example), you have the power to change it.

So here's to the empowering nature of choice, and to the nurturing parent who tells us all what great jobs we are doing!

Day 2

Well, my intention was to start this blog yesterday, but I realized I could either start the blog or keep the commitment that the blog was supposed to keep me accountable for. So I chose to put my clothes away and check off my little chart and accept that I did the best that I could and that that was just fine.

I realize it may seem laughable, or even shameful, that a 36-year-old woman would need a chore chart to encourage her to hang up her clothes at the end of the day. And you know what? A part of me agrees. But that's the critical, judgmental part that I'm trying to quiet down. It's the part that helps me sabotage myself over and over, the part that says, "Are you kidding me? You're a PROFESSIONAL ORGANIZER!"

Yeah. That's been a bit of an issue for me.

In spite of all of the work I've done with my amazing clients, and all the powerful shifts I've helped them experience, I have wreaked havoc in my own home and waged war against my piles unsuccessfully for as long as I can remember. Just ask my husband. Or my college roommates. Or call my mother, she'd be happy to tell you.

I know that coming from this place allows my clients to feel safe with me, and that having already made some changes in my own life allows me to guide them with a good deal of conviction, which is incredibly important to me and to my organizing process. But it's not enough.

I want to live in my own beautiful home, with ease and joy and plenty of time to do what I want. I want things to be so effortless to maintain that I won't even remember what the big deal was. And I want to release the energy that's being absorbed by possessions I don't need, responsibilities I don't want, and expectations I don't plan to meet.

I think step one will be letting go of the self-condemnation that follows me everywhere. I know that's going to be an ongoing process, but I have a feeling that coming from a place of joy inside is key to creating a place of joy outside.

So here's my plan: I will choose one habit that I believe lies at the core of my overwhelm and shift it each day for four weeks. That's the 21 consecutive days that it theoretically takes to establish a new habit, plus seven more thrown in for good luck. I will do this for three months and see where that gets me. I will update this blog every day (except on the holidays that will keep me away from the computer) to report on the previous day's activities and any other random thoughts I happen to have.

I will work on both inner and outer levels, and allow this process to be what it is.

I commit to this journey and I believe that it will bring me someplace amazing, though I don't know what it will look like. I'm hoping it has clean floors.