Day 18

I'll tell you, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and scared right now. I'm worried that what I'm doing isn't anywhere near enough to make a difference in my home or in my life.

I think this is part of where it's coming from: When the only thing I was paying attention to was putting my clothing away each day, I could really see a difference. My chair was clear, my space was clear, and I really felt like I was accomplishing something and creating a shift that would have far-reaching consequences. But since we came back from the trip, everything seems to have exploded, and putting away one outfit doesn't seem to make a dent at all. I can't see any difference all of a sudden because there's so much else to look at.

Last night was particularly difficult for me because for the first time in 18 days I went to sleep with clothing on my chair. It actually hurt me to see it there.

I did put yesterday's clothes away, but the clothes I'd "unpacked" onto my bed got moved to the chair, and I simply didn't have the energy to put them all away. I put some away, and just accepted that the rest would live on the chair "for now." But I can feel the energy sinking me everywhere I look.

SO. Here are my thoughts:

1. Keep up the habit I'm working on shifting because I actually believe that it really will make an important difference in maintaining a clear space and helping me become and feel responsible.
2. It's time to start thinking about additional pieces of the puzzle, such as things life throws at you that have to be addressed, above and beyond your regular, everyday tasks. Just like you're supposed to have emergency money stashed away for the unexpected things that inevitably come up, you should have emergency time stashed away somehow to accommodate the unexpected or irregular to-dos that need to get done.
3. I'd like to give myself time to address some of the bigger backlog AND I'd like to give myself a break--relax, rest, have a time out. I need some rejuvenation. I know that sounds funny since I just came back from a long weekend away, but the truth is there isn't that much rest involved when you're traveling with a toddler, and I'd really just love to sleep.
4. And be nice to myself. It may not look like much sometimes, but I actually think this is something big that I'm doing, and my Saboteur (yes, another sub-self) might be trying to drag me down with old patterns and reactions. Nay, I say! I will not go down! I will bend to fit the challenge and we will all come out ahead in the end.

Well that feels better. My last choice for this evening is whether I risk going int the baby's room to put my clothes away since he just went back to sleep after waking up so sadly about fifteen minutes ago. I may hold my clothes in here and put them away in the morning. I'm just going to roll with it and do what feels right...