Day 32

Man, am I glad I started cleaning up my desk two days ago! My mother-in-law was over today while I was out, and had to pass to through my room to get to the baby's room, and I am so happy my desk was in decent shape.

Not that she would have said anything, and not that she would have even thought anything--she's very nice and understanding (and has good manners and is a therapist). It's just that I would have imagined she was thinking horrible things, and then I would have felt bad. I guess those thoughts would be my critical parent talking (How can she work like this? How can she live like this? It's disgusting! How can she run a business from here? What kind of example is she setting for her son? And look how she's making my son live! Doesn't she have any respect for herself? Why doesn't she just take care of it? Why doesn't she take the time to clean it up once and for all, and to maintain it on a regular basis? Isn't this what she teaches her clients about all the time?)

Phew. And we thought those critical voices had just melted away into nothingness!

I was actually talking to Natalie today about the fact that the voices were so strong when I started my first 30 days, and how they really did seem to vanish. I'm wondering if they show up with each new habit I feel bad about. Well, if that's the case, I think it's best to just let them out, and answer them calmly, rationally, gently, and keep sticking to my commitment.

So here's my Adult Voice and Nurturing Parent answering: Hey--first of all, we didn't get a chance to congratulate you yet on all the great work you've been doing! You got through 30 days of building a new habit that serves you so much better than the old one! Good job!!

Second of all, it is kind of like we're starting from scratch with this new habit, but we think it will go much quicker and more smoothly this time since we've already done this once before. It's easier for you to find our voices in your head, and you're not getting as worked up as you used to about the old voices.

Now for some specific answers: Your desk situation is not ideal, but you have been running a successful business from it for several years. It will most likely be easier and more pleasant (and more productive) to work from a clearer desk, and you'll get there, but it's not black and white--the last several years, and your present business, aren't write-offs because of your desk.

Your desk is this way partly because you've been busy. You're learning to make small changes and take the time you need, little by little, and it is working. Stick with your new habit and things will start to shift. We also think the joy will spread and you will continue to build a more beautiful home that you all love to live in even more. Look how much more you love your home now than when you started a month ago. And, by the way, we think that has a lot more to do with internal shifts and gratitude than it has to do with the clothes being put away.

Clean and organized spaces and good habits are important, but your son receives messages and gifts from you every day that are so much more important to the foundation of his being, and you provide all of these things without even thinking about it: Love, laughter, affection, healthy food, regular naps, friends, Thomas, family, walks, swings and so much more. Your space can get clearer, that's great, but you've already got the most important stuff covered, and you do it all with joy.

You and your husband are working really hard and really well together to make this a better home every day. You continue to learn to live together and support each other, to make your needs clear and find ways to make things work. You just keep doing your best and it will all work out.

You do respect yourself. There are all sorts of reasons why things are the way they are, and, just like with the clothes, we're just going to accept that, and then focus on creating a habit that serves you better. That's it. One day at a time. We already saw that it can be really hard at first, and we also saw that it got easier, almost laughably easy. And then it wasn't so easy, but you kept it up. This is your journey. And it's because you're willing to take this journey that you'll be able to show so many more people that it's possible to create real, lasting change!

Sure you've helped clients accomplish great things, and now you're going way beyond that kind of work and learning how to get to the heart of the matter and use small shifts to change the way your life looks. How lucky for you!! And for anyone else who's struggled with anything like this. You know we're all here to teach that which we're here to learn--good for you for being willing to learn everything you can. We love you.