Day 31 (beginning of phase 2)

I want to share a quote that my husband emailed me last night--it's from an Onion AV Club interview of Ira Kaplan, guitarist of Yo La Tengo:

AVC: When you were a teenager and standing in front of your mirror pretending to be a rock star, who were you pretending to be?

IK: Huh. [Laughs.] You know, by the time I was a teenager, I’m not sure I was doing that. I’m not saying I wasn’t standing in front of a mirror, but by then I may have been foolhardy enough to think I was being myself.

Then my husband added his own thought:

I think it's an interesting way, possibly, to think about how (some) people realize their dreams. There comes a time when we stop fantasizing about being someone else and start picturing ourselves doing the things we dream of doing.

I love this. It captures the way I've been feeling over these past couple of months, and it blows me away to think I'm finally living my own life! Letting myself envision the home I want to live in and the life I want to live, and then choosing to take responsibility for my actions and my habits is the most empowering thing I've ever experienced. And I've flown a plane.

Now, back to business: I felt pretty lame giving that second excuse last night (even though I cleverly disguised it as a "caveat"), so I actually neatened up my desk before I went to bed. I just put a couple of pens away, and consolidated my piles, and I felt better. I felt compelled to stick to my commitment, which is awesome, and I also really wanted a neat desk, which is pretty awesome too.

I'm teetering between feeling like I'm not doing enough and believing that the best I can do is just fine. It's different than with the clothes. You wear some stuff, you put it away, it's done. With the desk, there's so much going on and I haven't had time to get to the bottom of it. I feel like I'm building a new habit on top of an old one (literally), instead of clearing space for a new one to take hold.

But, realistically, it's a bigger job than I have time for right now to plow through everything, so I guess I'll start here: all the loose items I use over the course of the day (pens, PostIts, fake rubber teeth my mom gave my son to play with) will find a home, and the papers will be neatened up if not put away. The bottom line is that I want my desk to be a peaceful haven when I'm done with it and when I come back to it. That's the plan, and I'm looking forward to it all working out!