Day 41

This was interesting. Today I was talking to someone about my new habits and this blog and she asked me if I was disorganized. I thought for a moment and replied, "I'm not really disorganized, I'm messy."

Huh. I don't think I've ever looked at it that way before. And now I'm trying to figure out what the difference is, and, if there is one, whether it applies to me.

Part of me thinks that they're the same thing, it's just that being "disorganized" is more sophisticated and OK for adults to be, especially professionals and corporate-types, whereas "messy" is looked down upon, kind of disgusting and childish, and is only OK for toddlers and frat boys.

A lot of my life is organized. A lot of my home is organized. We have spots for much of our stuff, we have certain routines in place. But I do have a lot of pileup that seems to come from nowhere--every time I think I've plowed through everything and put it away, there's more.

It's kind of mess + disorganization. If I were even more organized and had easily accessible, logical places for everything and adequate time set aside to actually address things/toss things/put things away, I wouldn't have the mess.

I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I'm on day 41 and it's hard to see that I've made any progress. Each day I've been putting clothes away, but last night I didn't. I rationalized a perfectly good reason (late, dark, don't want to wake the baby), and that wouldn't even be so bad if I had put everything away this morning, but I didn't. More perfectly good excuses--exhausted, getting sick, needed sleep, then needed to rush out of the house, then had guests, then cleaned up from lunch...but looking around at how quickly this space become a disaster is SO disheartening.

What's the point of putting all this work in if in ONE DAY it can all be undone?

I know my Adult Voice can come in and explain that it's just logical, it has to be done every day, it's not a one shot deal, and it's nothing to get upset about, it's just a part of life. But I don't WANT to hear the adult voice. I just want to be pissed off.

I should check my posts from about a month ago--I think I'm seriously PMSing too.

I also think there's no way around the fact that I need some more major chunks of time dedicated to bigger overhauls. I'll go back to reading Cindy Glovinsky's book, Making Peace with the Things in Your Life, and maybe carve out dedicated time for this project over the next few months so I can take the bigger steps I want to take.

I fantasize about working with clients who are ready and willing to take that step--to really jump in with time and energy on a consistent basis and get the job done. And then we'd set up systems so they can easily maintain their amazing new spaces. I have a feeling that I'd like to finally acknowledge how important it is for me to give myself this same kind of time and attention, and really commit to the process.

My experience has shown me that it's much harder for me to be objective about my own stuff, so I might need to enlist some support, but I think step one is to put the time into my schedule so I can make space for this to happen.

I know that the more time I give it, the faster it will get done. I would LOVE to have this done. I also know that things happen as you're ready, and maybe I'm feeling good and grateful enough about my present life that it will be easier to make peace with my past and give myself permission to be here now, surrounded by things I love now, and trust that I will always have whatever I need when I need it.

I just reread this post and realized I should really give myself props for preparing in advance for our guests, getting home early enough to set up, doing all the dishes and putting everything away this afternoon instead of leaving it out for days in the hope that someone else would do it. This is pretty major for me, and I'm thrilled to recognize it. Maybe I have made some progress after all.