Day 27

I'm having this weird disappointed feeling haunting me today. I think it's a general, full-body feeling that's more related to my internal rhythms than to any part of my life in particular, since I'm feeling it about the cleanse that I'm about to complete, my upcoming schedule, and the fact that I'm almost done with shifting habit #1.

I just got nervous that I'm afraid to shift the habit because what if it was serving a purpose? Then another part of my brain told me not to worry--I have several additional layers of defense lined up, including my desk, my bedroom floor and the dining room table. Excellent.

But it raises the question--why do I let it get this bad?

I'm not going into a full-blown analysis here, but let me reflect for a moment on what I've picked up on so far:

1. I had a lot of reasons that I deemed legitimate for not putting my clothes away (I was too tired; I was too busy doing important things; I shouldn't have to do it; I didn't want to wake up the baby; it would take too long; I'd do it in the morning when I had more time).
2. When I made the commitment to do it anyway, none of those reasons held much water. On the rare occasion that I really was too tired or really would wake up the baby, I was flexible, and put everything away the next day.
3. This means that I can, relatively easily, perform the action of putting my clothes away at the end of the day.
4. If I want to make it even easier for myself, I can make additional small shifts, such as putting things away throughout the day, whenever I change, or give myself more time in the evenings so that I'm not performing the task so late.
5. So, on the one hand, this is simply a habit I was never trained in. Now that I'm training myself in it, and relishing the clean space and good feeling it creates, it should be simple to integrate it into my life, even if I have to stay conscious of it for a while.
6. On the other hand, something makes me feel scared and nauseous when I look at my desk (which, by the way, is the next habit I plan to shift), and it's not the mess or bad feelings it creates that's making me sick. I have some fear of what life will be like when my desk is clean.
7. I don't want to get too psychoanalytical on myself, but what am I trying to avoid? What will happen if my desk is clear, and my dining room table is clear, and I don't have to spend so much time focusing on it (and cleaning it up)?
8. I know there may be something there, something big and ominous, some deep issue I'm trying to ignore. I know there have been big things to deal with in my life, and I haven't always taken the direct route to approaching them and sorting them out. But the truth is, I feel like I've been getting more and more direct, being more honest with myself and more proactive. So maybe it's not that I'm ignoring anything, it's just that I'm dealing with everything one piece at a time, and this habit-shifting process is an active--and integral--part of that.
9. So it's possible that things just come when the time is right. It's possible that for some reason I've lived with this mess for a long time, and I don't have to know why. And for some reason the time came to change it, and I'm changing it, and the changes will happen gradually enough that I'll be comfortable with each shift as it comes. I have always had a tendency to worry about things ridiculously far in advance (like worrying about high school when I was in fourth grade, or worrying about having kids when the longest relationship I'd had was my three-day boyfriend in sleep-away camp). Maybe that is changing too.
   
10. So this time I might just opt to trust that things will work themselves out, that they'll take exactly as much time as they need, and I don't need to worry about a thing.